


L'inizio di Una Vita

by nikatsu



Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 00:11:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/767721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikatsu/pseuds/nikatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Im Yoona has been patient all her life. Silently going along with her late father's wishes, she successfully marries the son of the prestigious Shim clan in the years during the Japanese occupation in Korea. With a promise to never to give in to love over duty after the marriage, she struggles to keep her feelings in check as her husband, Shim Changmin, flitters in and out of her reach.</p><p>He disappears after their first year of marriage and she continues to wait for him as his dutiful wife even after five years of no contact or leads to his whereabouts. Worried for her future, the grateful Shim clan offers her a chance to move on with her life and introduces her to brand new suitors. Just as Yoona is about to accept her fate once again, her husband returns with more than the usual baggage to disturb her peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

* * *

_To those who have loved, lost, given up or are still waiting…_

_Time, like **love** , is eternal._

* * *

_  
_

It doesn’t come to her as a surprise when she opened her eyes to find herself inside an empty bed. She was used to it by now, a cold chill enveloping her soul every morning at six when she opened her eyes to the world again. How long has it been? She sat up slowly, glancing at the clock hanging above her on a wall and opposite her bed.

 _Today makes it five years…_ Im Yoona sighed, touching the soft material of her deep purple satin sheets with her fingertips. She leaned her head back against the headboard, letting her thoughts run away with her.

As per usual, today’s thoughts drifted to her past – five years to be exact – when her whole life changed in a single moment. She had just turned 17; a young woman born and raised from a respectable (albeit, slowly diminishing) family line, beautiful, obedient and most of all, patient. She was the only child of her ailing father and the heir to a sugar plantation she knew so little about. She was a sheltered lady, on the brink of finally seeing the world with adult eyes and yet, still in a lot of ways, a child. Yoona wasn’t ready to carry on such a heavy responsibility, much less stand alone when her father’s health finally failed him.

 

_“I can learn quickly – I promise you, I can.”_

_“… I believe you, Yoona… but not as quickly, at least. Not as quickly.”_

_“But—”_

_“I don’t have much time left, my dear… I am fading…”_

Her father worried, it was only natural after all. She was his only light – his memory of his late wife and everything he held dear in the world. No matter how brave or intelligent his beautiful daughter grew up to be… he could not bear to think of her alone in the world and with no one to defend her. She needed family, one who would love her as much as their family (when they were plentiful and strong and alive) always did.

And so in his deathbed, he wished for her to do one thing:

He wished to see her marry. Not just to anyone, of course… but to the son of a good friend of her father; the son of the most prestigious and powerful clan in all of the lesser Japanese-occupied land of Korea.

Yoona had only met the son of the Shim family once in her youth, and even then the impression was not pleasant. Shim Changmin was a serious man, quiet and calculating – a scholar and an accomplished aristocrat. He had a knack of saying nothing and yet speaking with his eyes in volumes at the same time.

She remembered the cold shiver that ran through her spine when she saw him again, the quiet, lanky child turned into a towering, brooding man at 20. They had shook hands in greeting, his hand calloused beneath her soft skin and she remembered wondering how his hands could have gotten that way so quickly. He was certainly a very handsome man too: broad shoulders, deep penetrating eyes, soft lips and perfect skin. It was surreal just looking at him beneath her lashes, during the dinner where their families announced to the whole of their land in Korea that they were to be wed in a month’s time. He had chewed silently, not once catching her gaze – not even when her chopsticks dropped in surprise to the news and clattered onto the floor, where he retrieved the utensils and motioned for a new pair to be brought for her. It was as if he had expected it – the decision for them to be married at such an age – and had already accepted it from the moment it was revealed. His reaction was so unlike hers, she who had clutched her heart and refused vehemently in her head, but never voiced her rejection in worry for her sick father.

 

_“I am against this, sir, if you must know.”_

_“I do know. Actually, I expected as much. However, ultimately, it is not our decision.”_

_“Yes… I will be your wife by the end of the month.”_

_“And I will be your husband.”_

 

Their wedding was a spectacle, a magnificent event, while their marriage was simply a contract between two families. It was not the most ideal circumstances she had hoped for herself – she had hoped for love and being swept off her feet, like how her mother had felt – but she had accepted her fate nonetheless. If only for her father’s happiness… if only… to keep his smile on his graying face a little while longer.

The vows were exchanged and a brief, yet enticing, kiss was shared. And voila, she was the daughter-in-law of the Shim family clan – the wife of the respectable son and the future bearer of heirs to an impressive family line. She was beautiful and patient, Im Yoona, aged 17 and Shim Changmin’s wife.

She brushed a hand over her stomach and sighed, bringing herself to the present and to her reality. Five years had gone by and Yoona had no children, not one – not since… she shook her and head pulled herself out of bed, her feet touching the cold marble floor in almost silent trepidation as she padded towards her vanity table to get ready for the day. She inspected her face, touching her cheek gingerly before letting her eyes flit towards a frame.

“Mistress?” said the young maid in a quiet voice and hovering at her slightly opened door, “Madam Shim has inquired if you were to be joining them for breakfast today. Would you like some assistance in getting ready?”

Yoona shook her head, taking the frame into her hand and not bothering to look back. “I’ll be alright, Minyoung. You can go back to your original duties… Please tell Mother that I’ll be down in a few moments.”

The door closed shut after a light shuffle, and she was once again left inside her thoughts. With tired eyes, Yoona lifted her gaze to her reflection and blinked back unshed tears. She had stopped crying a long time ago, but there were still remnants somehow, at mornings like these when the sun was just bright enough to enter across their – _her_ – room and warm the surroundings. She was the same person, somewhat, still the same beautiful and patient young woman from all those years ago. And today was nothing special just like the other days… there was no need to dally. No need to worry.

She looked back down at the frame she held and pursed her lips slightly.

“Five years and counting…” she whispered ruefully to herself, brushing a thumb past her cheek (there were no tears, as expected but it had become a habit).

Yoona set the frame back onto the table after a moment’s thought and sighed. Then she stood up and dressed – willing herself ready for another day—

“Happy anniversary…” _Changmin._


	2. I Remember You

“Mother… really, you don’t have to do this.”

Her sweet smiled stayed glued on her lips as Yoona sat, absentmindedly listening to her mother-in-law go on about a new suitor she had picked out for her (once again), and nervously played with her fingers. It had become routine by now, an everyday thing she had to endure in the mornings.

The countless setups her mother-in-law had staged for her since the year before had been interesting at best, but completely unnecessary. She would say ‘yes’ on some occasions but not often. She did not enjoy them as much as Mother Shim might have hoped. Her heart was simply not in it. And no, this wasn’t something she’d ever casually share anytime soon with her mother-in-law (even though they’ve shared everything since). Not when Mother seems to enjoy planning dates for her rather than staying in bed all day and worrying for her son. The one that left without a word, taking her heart with him and never returned…

 

_“I’m afraid of her.”_

_“Afraid of whom, may I ask? My mother?”_

_“Yes. Madam Shim—she just seems so… so much like_ you _.”_

_“Like me? What does that mean exactly?”_

_“Oh—just…”_

_“Cold and calculating, perhaps?”_

_“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anyth—”_

_“Because if that is the case, then you are sorely mistaken.”_

_“… I am?”_

_“You don’t have to worry, Yoona. She’ll love you.”_

_“How do you know?”_

_“I just do.”_

 

Mother Shim snapped her back into reality with an easy smile on her face and a light pat on her intertwined fingers. Yoona truly adored her mother-in-law, so beautiful and caring and accepting, that it pained her to see the tired glint in her eyes as she spoke: “What kind of mother-in-law would I be if I were not to watch out for you, dear Yoona? You are practically my own daughter, mind you.”

“I am thankful everyday for your care, Mother. But I really don’t…” Yoona trailed off, watching the soft hand wrapping around hers comfortingly. Her heart gave a small lurch at the familiar tenderness of it all and it amazed her just how much Mother reminded her of her son (Yoona would hear her sometimes, crying out and looking for him, “ _Changmin-ah, you’ll come back, right?”_ ) sometimes. “Suitors are unnecessary, seeing as I’m—you know, married to your son. And I don’t plan on breaking the laws of marriage any time soon, even if you are playfully pushing me towards it.”

“I would never dream of it!” Mother laughed easily, the twinkling in her eyes falling flat in comparison to her bright smile. “Breaking the laws of marriage? Honestly dear, I am not as old-fashioned as most people think. You’re too mature and private for your age, Yoona. You’ve already turned down secondary meetings with Lee Donghae and Ok Taecyeon – two ‘No’s is quite enough. Aside from that, I’ve not seen you go out with friends in such a long time… a bit of fun won’t hurt at all.” She held up her hand to stop her daughter-in-law from interrupting, “And no, dear, watching over a wrinkly old couple like Mister Shim and I all the time is not considered an enjoyable time of leisure.”

“I have the business to keep me company though. We’re delivering rice to the outer reaches of the provinces next week – I’ll be very busy by then, don’t you think? Hardly any time for ‘dates’.” Yoona grinned while she made quotation mark signs with her fingers in the air, drawing out another chuckle from her mother-in-law’s lips.

She watched her for a moment, taking in the picture-perfect image Mistress Shim made at that moment. Her hair was cut in a short bob just below her ears, with healthy skin despite the faint wrinkles adorning the corner of eyes, and a beautiful smile. Mistress Shim was a beautiful woman, and she was more than just an in-law to her: She was her mother. Yoona grew up never knowing her own all that much (she had died before she turned four), but from what she gathered from her father before he passed away, Mistress Im would have been very much like Mother Shim was with her at that moment: blunt but sweet, strict but caring, a wonderful combination of a doting mother and a very good friend.

“Oh, Yoona… please, just one date? Humor this old lady, dear.” She pleaded, pouting and taking hold of her hand once again. Her next words were spoken in a soft hush, almost sad even. “You’ve been alone for far too long. I… I don’t want that for you, my dear. My so—he … _you_ deserve so much more.”

At this, Yoona tried hard not to let her smile falter – the weight of the words spoken taking hold of her tighter than it should. She liked to think that her feelings had never gotten in the way of her duty as the daughter-in-law to the Shim clan, but there were those moments where she lost sight of the promise she set for herself. _Duty over love_ , wasn’t this her mantra during that first year? _Duty over love, Duty over love_ , the words repeated over the course of several months everyday should be ingrained in her by now – but it wasn’t. And now that she’s thought about it for quite some time… It never has.

When was it exactly?

Ah. Yes. _Year 1944, July; Paris, France_ – her honeymoon.

Yoona remembered the scent of grass and sunshine, of the warmth of the sun hitting her skin and of the sound of utensils being laid out on a small table in the middle of a gorgeous hotel room in the middle of Paris’s medieval and romantic structures. She remembered sitting up and catching sight of him arranging food on the table, already dressed to attend to business elsewhere, before turning to her with an impassive expression on his face.

She remembered thinking it was so surreal – seeing her husband prepare breakfast for her when all she had seen of him during the beginning of the trip was of his back going out the door. They were at their honeymoon, yes, but he had business in Paris – his family’s business revolved around exporting rice and spices all over the world, despite the ongoing (and slowly retreating) World War. Changmin didn’t even sleep next to her (not that she had wanted him too at the time, but they were married and she had already accepted her fate as bearer of his children. Even without the love she had expected to have before marrying, she was ready for her role as wife) and instead favored the couch at the foot of the bed.

 _“Good morning.”_ Changmin had said, tilting his head slightly to watch her slowly sit up on the bed. He pulled out a chair and motioned towards it, all the while pulling out another for him to sit on. _“Have some breakfast.”_

It was so strange, seeing him there – so disarmingly handsome and casual, even without a hint of a smile on his lips. She remembered standing up slowly to join him at the table, her eyes wide and surprised at his nonchalance when all the time she had known him (seven weeks and three days since the announcement of their marriage at dinner) he barely spoke to her about anything other than the usual pleasantries. The only moment he had seemed sincere (or _real_ , she should say) was at their wedding, when he’d said his vows and kissed her…

In her memory, Yoona remembered the whole scenario:

Her eyes flitted over the crisp, white polo he wore and the dark pants that accompanied it – quickly noting the smoothness of his cheek and the curl of hair on his nape as he turned his head to read the newspaper he held in his hands – before abruptly looking away when his eyes caught hers and he raised his eyebrow. _Duty over love, duty over love_ , her thoughts repeated as her cheeks blushed prettily in embarrassment and she speared her eggs and ham. Yoona may not have married him for love, but there was no denying her attraction to him. She was allowed to admire, whether or not he was her husband. Shim Changmin was an attractive man, after all – there was no doubt of that, and she was a woman. Besides… attraction and love were two very different things.

 _“Where are you going this time? To Nice, I presume? Father tells me you have some clients there.”_ She had said in hopes to clear the awkwardness and her embarrassment in the air as she chewed her food daintily. _“We only have a few days left here, might as well finish your business soon. And be careful, since the war is still on-going and I really don’t want to be the bearer of bad news when I return to Korea.”_

Changmin shrugged, folding the newspaper and placing it on the table. Reaching over to her side, he took hold of the sugar and poured a teaspoon onto his coffee. She waited patiently for his response, chewing even slower than she had already been and gauging his reaction. He only looked at her simply as he sipped from his cup.

_“I heard there would be a parade in a while… I thought we’d watch it then go to a theater later.”_

_“Together?”_ Oh, she hadn’t expected this. She was so used to _not_ seeing him that it was strange to hear him to even imply an activity for them to do together. _“But… don’t you have to work?”_

 _ _“I_ I’ve finished all of the business I was needed to attend to in the past three days.”_ Changmin replied, leaning back on his chair as she blinked at him. The expression on his face gave nothing away as usual, but there was something childlike and innocent about him at that moment. Something warm and… sweet; two words she had thought she would never associate with him since they met. _“I think it’s time I relax during our honeymoon, don’t you think?”_

 _“Oh… well…”_ Yoona could feel her cheeks redden and warm in embarrassment, _“I suppose, you’re correct. I’ve wanted to explore the city actually…”_

 _“I know. The help told me that you hadn’t left this room since coming here. They say you’ve only read several books or have only watched the city from outside the window.”_ His lips lifted into one of the very few smiles he’d ever give her during their marriage and cocked his head to the side. _“Not exactly what I’d call sight-seeing, by the way.”_

She frowned at him, her temper suddenly fuming before she could dispense of it and she lashed out, _“I’m sorry but being in a different country makes me nervous and for a man on his honeymoon, I thought you’d actually be around but you hardly ever are so—ah.”_

She stopped herself a moment too late and put a hand on her mouth. She lowered her eyes onto the table and bit her lip. Had she just argued with the son of the Shim clan? The good family that had saved her and her father from collapse and helped them to stand proud again? It was a foolish move, she should have known better than that. Yoona bowed her head slightly in apology.

_“Forgive me. I didn’t mean it like that.”_

He shook his head, lifting her chin up with a finger to meet her eyes. They were a wonder – his eyes – she briefly wondered how she never gave them much notice before. _“No, I know you meant it exactly as you just said – and its fine. I know my discrepancies as a husband have shown itself very early in our marriage… and for that I should be asking for your forgiveness.”_

 _“You told me how you are against our nuptials but even so, I admire your honesty and realize that you are woman and that you long for romance and… we are in Paris and on our honeymoon so…”_ Changmin trailed off, looking deep into her gaze and not faltering. She held her breath in her chest and gazed back at him in wonder.

He stared at her for a whole minute and didn’t touch her (much to her relief and disappointment), even when his hand reached towards her face for a moment before pulling back. The expression on his face was unreadable, a flurry of jumbled up emotions skittering about without actually forming. Yoona held her breath when he opened his mouth to speak again:

_“Perhaps this isn’t what you envisioned your marriage to be but… we could be good companions to each other though, I think.”_

With that he turned away, sweeping his feet under the table gracefully as he stood up to pull his jacket on. Yoona stared motionlessly after him, unsure of what to say or think. His words were spoken so earnestly, so _sincerely_. But had she imagined it?

Changmin turned to her again after a moment and walked to her chair, tapping his watch just as he leaned over her slightly. She leaned back as his eyes bore into hers again, her heart drumming a beat inside her chest while her mind repeated ‘ _Duty over love, duty over love_ ’.

His lips came in contact with her forehead so quickly, she wondered if it had even happened. _“You should finish and get started on getting ready. The parade’s in an hour. You wouldn’t want to miss it, would you?”_

And then Yoona remembered another brief smile on his lips and then more sunshine and warmth after that.

She pulled back from the haze and blinked back unshed tears as she watched her mother-in-law go on about the date she had already planned for her. Her lips moved and Yoona was certain that words were coming out, but she heard none of them – she was still stuck in her thoughts, after all. As per usual, during days like today…

It was a memory Yoona would go back to often, when she was alone and the sun hit her skin, and she would speculate whether she had imagined all of them – the smiles, the warmth, _their memories_ – or not.  They were all so brief and so long ago, she wasn’t entirely sure if it had actually taken place. The wedding – their marriage – was real… at least it was on paper, but what about after? What about the days, months, years after that?

She shook herself mentally, reminding herself that there _were_ days after the wedding. _Happy days_ , in fact. The memory was proof of that, at least of a blissful moment. They had spent days together, though not very often but enough, and she remembered being happy and content during those moments. Changmin had been a fairly good companion; he had taught her how to drive when normally women were forbidden to (they had gotten into heated shouting matches during the time he taught her, but it was well worth it for a valuable skill), he had read with her and dined with her (laughed and slept beside her) as often as he could in his busy schedule.

 

_“I’m sorry, Mistress. But Master isn’t…”_

_“Where is he?”_

_“He’s gone, ma’am. He left while you were sleeping.”_

 

He was a good man by all accounts – although, not when it mattered. _Not when it mattered at all._ And yet, even through the pain he’d caused – she had fallen for him. She had loved him (in reality, she still did) with _all_ of her heart.

Yoona’s hand absentmindedly drifted towards her stomach, brushing over the material of her clothing as if feeling for something that was no longer there.

Mother Shim took note of this and stopped mid-sentence, her eyes dimming as she watched her daughter-in-law’s thoughts drift farther and farther away into her thoughts. Im Yoona had always been such a deep thinker as a child, she knew this from watching over her during the days her dear friend and Yoona’s mother had been sick in bed. Always so silently determined, she would not fuss and simply think in her own little corner – Mother Shim just knew that she would grow up to be extraordinary.

And she was. So extraordinary in fact, with her graceful beauty and undying patience. She was angelic and pure… but heartbroken. It pained her tired eyes just seeing this young woman so broken and yet keeping it all in for her sake. It wasn’t fair at all, knowing it was her son’s leaving that pulled her into this state and broke her heart.

 _Only 22 in years, and already she has more maturity in her than I have for myself_ , she thought sadly, watching her rub her stomach still absentmindedly and remembering how blissful she was five years ago.

She hadn’t asked Yoona about it and decided early that it was none of her business, but she wondered when it was her daughter-in-law truly gave her heart. She had known after all, that marrying them off at such a young age wouldn’t sit well with Yoona – but it was her father’s wish and she admired the way Yoona handled herself during the whole ordeal, never complaining or fighting. Mother Shim wouldn’t say that she had given up, but instead simply accepted it for her father’s sake at first and then in gratitude to her and the Shim family.

It was beautiful wedding, and she was beautiful bride. Her handsome son, paired with her, completed the whole picture so perfectly – it ached somehow, as if it were too good to be true. And sadly, it was - eventually.

They were awkward at first, tiptoeing around each other as expected, but slowly – there it was. _Magic_ , or something close to it – masked in between friendly chats over breakfast and secret night walks around the estate. They never kissed or held hands in public, but it was clear that something was shared between them. Unspoken, yes, but shared nonetheless. Her daughter-in-law, who had stayed so quiet and taciturn at best during the first days, began to show her true self (the part of her that was before her mother and father passed away): cheerful and kind, challenging her son to say or do things he normally wouldn’t have said or done without thinking first of the consequences.

They were ‘comfortable’ with each other at best, _content_ … happy even – and then things changed.

For the better or for worse, Mother Shim didn’t know – but she saw them evolve somehow. Yoona started to reach for her son but never voiced it so – not even when they’d stay and stare at each other for hours at a time, not speaking or moving, before he turned away and she finally called out to him. She’d watch her daughter-in-law wait patiently in her study, rubbing her stomach as she did now (although back then, it was round and warm and perfect). Her eyes would light up inexplicably when a familiar rumble of an engine would come close but then she would never truly show her feelings to him when he’d stand in front of her and brush her cheek in greeting. It was a twisted game of push and pull and it could only end badly, she knew it from the start.

Emotions, such as love, should never be kept secret after all. _Never._

And when the game finally ended – Yoona had cried nonstop that day, clutching her stomach as her son reached out for her, only to be shunned away – Mother Shim wished she had done something right from the start. And though she couldn’t entirely blame him – Changmin had gone that day, with no explanation… breaking not only his wife’s heart but hers as well.

               

She listened as Yoona’s sighed wistfully and held her hand. This was why she had been so intent on bringing her out into the real world once again. She was far too young to act like an old widow. Yoona deserved happiness in life, even if it meant giving her away to someone else in her son’s (permanent? Was it permanent? She silently wished it was not) absence… because at least then – she would be in control of her life and joy. She could have a normal relationship, _a normal marriage_ … everything a girl ever dreamt of. Her daughter (she was her daughter now, practically) deserved love – a real love – and she would help find it for her.

“Yoona… what do you say, hmm?” She started, bringing the young woman out of her thoughts and into their reality once again. She rubbed the hand inside of hers and smiled softly, “Will you go on this date I’ve set up for you?”

“Knowing you, Mother, I’m sure you won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” Yoona replied, lifting the corners of her lips slightly. It was a pained smile, but a smile nonetheless. “But… since you’ve already gone through the trouble of fixing everything up, I have no choice than to say ‘yes’, haven’t I?”

Mother Shim smiled back, brushing back a tendril of hair off of her daughter’s face and nodded. “It will be fun, I promise. This man, Choi Minho, is quite a catch. I’ve heard so many good things about him, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.”

They settled into a comfortable silence, with Yoona going back to her thoughts and their hands still intertwined. It was a stretch, but Mother Shim knew it was a beginning. Of something good or bad, she didn’t know – but it was a beginning nonetheless, and she was sure to take it for her no matter what.

 

* * *

 

Choi Minho was different from all the other men her mother-in-law had ever set up for her. For one thing, he was a year or two younger than she was and very energetic. He almost brusque in nature, though he must not have noticed just how upfront he was but either way, it was a refreshing change from all the top-notch, aristocratic men she had to meet over the past year. Minho was a man who wasn’t afraid to initiate contact – holding her hand and leading her down their date by the waist, and even though it had troubled her very much in the beginning, Yoona found that it was comfortable and actually kind of fun – especially now that they were racing down the streets in his automobile towards the dirt road of their province after a long day of going around town.

Minho pulled up just below a small hill and led her up with a picnic basket on one hand and her arm at the other. It was mid-afternoon and surprisingly cool; the skies bright blue and slightly tinged with a light orange as they settled on a blanket he’d laid out for their date.

The day had gone by so quickly that she hadn’t noticed that they had already known so much about each other’s interests and that by now the topics for discussion were of the personal kind. She smiled at him and gracefully accepted the cup of water he’d held out for her and sighed contentedly against the bark of the tree they sat under. She couldn’t remember being outside her home for so long that she reveled in the sensation of wind blowing past her skin. She sighed again, humming under her breath.

“You know… you’re very beautiful.” Minho said suddenly from beside her. Yoona snapped her head towards him and looked at him curiously. He grinned and shrugged his shoulder, drinking from his cup of water before lying on his back on the blanket with his jacket strewn over his stomach. “You look like you don’t get told that very much.”

“I don’t actually,” she replied, smiling politely, “I’m usually surrounded by people who’ve known me since I was a child and so I don’t think they even notice my good looks or lack thereof.”

“Oh you have good looks. Plenty, actually – you’re the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in this town,” he said with an accent, his smile reaching his ears when she shook her head with a smile. Minho was Korean, but had grown up in Thailand. He and his father had moved back to the country to care for his ailing grandmother before the war took a nasty turn and they decided to stay. He retained a slight accent from his days in Thailand, but Yoona found it charming. Minho was friendly and sweet; an accent wasn’t much to make her crinkle her nose and turn her head away from a possible friendship.

Oddly enough, Minho reminded her a bit of her father. Sweet and chivalrous; a perfect gentleman.

“I’m sure you say that to all the girls here. At least, that’s what I hear from my maids.” She teased, raising an eyebrow at him. Minho’s eyes widened in mock-shock and held up his hands in defense. “Oh, I was only kidding. You’re young… you’re allowed to flirt a little with everyone.”

“And you’re not? You’re not that much older than me, Miss Yoona.” He replied from his position on the ground. He made a face at her and she laughed, playfully hitting him on the shoulder – only to get her hand caught in his. Minho held it for a moment, rubbing his thumb over her skin before speaking again, “I’ve heard a lot about you, actually. About how beautiful and kind you are… I’ve only known you for a day, but it seems as though I’ve known you forever… and I don’t ever want to let go.”

“You’re flattering me too much, sir. I don’t deserve it.” Yoona told him calmly, pulling her hand away and onto her lap.

This was the part that she dreaded – the declaration of attraction or love or whatever it was. It seemed that all of the men Mother had set her up with were, in some way or another, enamored by the ‘mystery’ they said surrounded her. Lee Donghae had said she was like a pale angel he wanted to keep close, and before that Ok Taecyeon had announced that he would protect her with all his might, his fragile flower. It was awkward and embarrassing to hear those words, and more often than not – it made her feel useless. She knew, of course, that all of them had probably gone through the same rumor mills that enveloped the city and heard of the stories (some true, some false) that revolved around her:

–That she was married to the Shim family to pay off a debt (false – it was her father’s wish, and there was never a debt), that she handled the entire sugar and rice plantations in place of her father and father-in-law respectively while he and Changmin were away (true – they were so often away on business), that she could not bare children (it was partially true, seeing as she could not be sure since she had no husband to try again with – at the thought, Yoona fought the urge to touch her stomach), that she hated her husband (false – it was far from the truth, she never hated him; not even close, not even at all), that her husband had cheated on her (true, several times in her knowledge – all of which she never confronted, even when one of them was her best friend) and that he left her after her miscarriage and had not been heard of since five years ago.

Yoona closed her eyes and fought the wave of disappointment crashing into her insides as she formulated that this man, Choi Minho, was probably just like the other who had tried to win her heart. All of them spurned on with stories spouted off by people who hardly knew her or the family she served and loved. As much as Changmin had hurt her by leaving, she knew that he was not entirely an evil man. Their marriage was a loveless one ( _at least on his end_ , she thought), yes, but it was good and had cared for her after all these years.

“I’m sorry… did I say something wrong?” Minho said, sitting up slowly to look at her. His tone was anxious, like he really didn’t mean to offend her, and she opened her eyes to look at him. He scratched the back of his head, sheepishly. “You must think I’ve ulterior motives. And I do… but not of the bad kind, I swear.”

“How much do you know about me? Personally, I mean.” She said, cutting the conversation to the chase. It was inevitable after all that he’d heard the stories. He’d already lived in the city for a year.

“Not a lot, I think.” He began, letting out a breath. He picked up his cup and drank what was left from it. “I know that you are Madam Shim’s daughter-in-law and that you are married to her son. I know that you work for them in managing the plantations and that you love the Shim family as if they were your own.”

“And?” There was more, she knew it by the nervous glance Minho took a chance upon her.

“I know about your husband leaving you… and that you haven’t gone out to enjoy the city with anyone – even your friends – since he left five years ago.” He seemed unsure but he dutifully finished his thoughts anyway, speaking in a rushed tone as if he shouldn’t have.

Yoona nodded, grateful for his honesty and slumped back against the wood of the tree once again. She sighed resentfully at the sky, shaking her head before turning her gaze back at him. Her tone was grave and serious. “Then you should know that flowering words such as yours earlier will only fall on deaf ears… I am not looking for a protector.”

“I’m not looking for another husband or a man to lean on… there is no need to be coy or play interested in me. Actually, if it wasn’t for my mother-in-law’s insistence, I wouldn’t even be here with you.” Yoona looked down at her hands and let out a sad breath. She watched as his sweet expression fell and bit her lip as a hurt coursed through her heart. She never liked turning people down and breaking their spirits… but this had to be done, at least while it was still easy to move on and laugh about it tomorrow. (It wasn’t as if she could give her heart to a man she’d just met – and especially when she’d already given it to someone else too.)

“You’re a sweet man, Minho – but if you’re thinking of being more in my life than that of a friend… then, I’m sad to say that I’ve no intention for anything past friendship.”

Minho listened to her with a serious expression about his face and nodded gravely, seemingly deep in thought of her words. Yoona hoped he would be understanding and not lash out as the other men had before him, and waited patiently for his response. _Please understand my wishes_ , she willed, _please understand._

“I won’t pretend that I don’t want to be more… I wouldn’t have accepted the invitation of meeting you if I hadn’t wanted to know you – but I do understand your feelings. And I will follow your request.” he said, looking into her eyes. Yoona’s lips lifted into an appreciative smile but blinked in surprise when he continued, “I’ll be by your side… at least – for awhile. I can wait for as long as it takes for you to consider me as more than friend. I’m a man after all, and so you’ll have to forgive me for wanting to put up a fight.”

The chuckle that erupted from her lips surprised her at best, and she put a hand over mouth in surprise. She’d never heard of that line before – _“I’m a man after all, and so you’ll have to forgive me for wanting to put up a fight”_. None of the men had said that before… though as she thought about it now, it was an almost clichéd thing to say. She watched Minho’s face slowly dissolve into charming mirth and let out a sigh of mock-defeat. Yoona recognized the fire glowing in his eyes; she had seen it several from the men in her life (her father, her father-in-law, her husband…) when they worked on something with open and fiery determination. If Minho was like any of them, she knew that even if she said ‘No’, he’d still work hard to get the outcome he wanted.

“I don’t think you’re going to give up even if I said so.” She said, shaking her head at him and laughing when he shrugged his shoulders.

“Only because I meant every word I said, Yoona…” he whispered, reaching over to hold her hand again. This time… this time it was careful, loving almost. “I’ve only known you for a day and yet, I want more of you in my life. And if I have to start by being your friend – then I’ll be the very best you’ll ever have.”

Yoona let him hold her hand for a moment before pulling away once again. She smiled at him uncertainly and nodded her head. “I can’t promise you anything, but I would especially like your friendship. Mother says that I have been staying at home too much.”

Minho grinned and nodded as well, pouring her another cup of water and offering it to her. She bit back a laugh at the large and gallant motion he made just to give the cup to her and grinned back. The air had been cleared, it seemed, and it was right back to the comfortable vibe they’d gotten moments ago. He winked at her as she chuckled at him and put the cup to her lips.

“Madam Shim won’t have to worry about that now that I’m here.”

 

* * *

 

The day ended far nicer than any of the past dates Yoona had gone on, with a long discussion over Korean cuisine and water sports and finally a quiet drive around the countryside before heading home. It was past eight when she arrived at the Shim estate in Minho’s car, where all the lights were now on and flickering as if waiting for her arrival.

“I didn’t realize it was already so late after we finished the chicken.” Minho commented, tutting his tongue as if he hadn’t expected it to happen when he knew perfectly well how their conversation had gone too long for them to noticed the chicken turning cold in front of them. “Next time, you’ll have to tell Madam Shim to pack sandwiches. Especially if we’re going to talk so long about bimpap.”

“I still maintain a firm stand on the fact that bulgogi-bimpap is the best bimpap variation in history.” Yoona replied easily, sliding out of her seat when he opened the car door at her side. She playfully swatted him with her purse when he made a disgusted face and laughed. “Oh, don’t pretend that you don’t like meat in your palate, Minho. You’re a man, aren’t you?”

They walked side by side up to the steps of the house in a comfortable silence and turned to each other to say goodbye. He braved a chance in asking her to meet with him again after a business trip with his father – “solely as friends, _I promise_ ”, he emphasized and she accepted with a smile.

She leaned against the door for a moment after closing it, and listened to the rumble of an automobile clearing out of the front of the house before letting out a tired sigh. As much as she had enjoyed her time with Minho – her new friend, _just a friend_ – being out for as long as she had that day had taken so much out of her. She looked down at her feet and placed her hand over her stomach out of habit – sighing as she rubbed over it softly.

“I’m home,” she whispered to no one in particular, and stepped away from the door.

She had only taken two or three steps when suddenly a knock was heard echoing through the hall. Yoona turned around slowly, her brow creasing at the thought of anyone from her house being out at this time and called out as she walked over to the door and turned the knob, “Who is it?”

… The sound of her purse falling to the floor was louder than anything she’d ever heard before, as such was the soft gasp that escaped her lips also created. Yoona put both hands over lips as her eyes widened in disbelief and she stepped away from the open door. The person outside carefully stepped inside the house, putting down several bags on the floor and stared at her without a word as noises from the background started to stir – maids rushing towards their mistress and Mother Shim calling out her name from up the stairs—

His hair had grown longer and his skin had gotten slightly darker than she remembered, but his eyes were still the same. They were still so dark and penetrating; cutting through her thoughts and into her soul and her heart as the muscle lurched from within her. Yoona could hardly breathe as he stepped closer to reach out towards her, the drumming in her chest and a collective gasp enveloping her ears as her maids finally arrived and realized who was at the door.

“I’m home.” He said, brushing her cheek just as he had every time he came home long ago. He let his hand stay there on the expanse of her skin, the warmth of it flooding her senses as she opened her mouth to speak but to no avail.

He smiled (he did so, _so easily_ … her heart gave a lurch once again) at her immobile shock and pulled his hand away, all the while ignoring the shouts the help made as they scurried about and called for their mistress – _his mother_. Shim Changmin took another step closer and planted a soft kiss on her forehead (it was a special kiss between them – why that was so, Yoona had forgotten at the moment), his lips lingering just so as she let out the breath she didn’t know she held in her lungs and weakly pushed him away.

He stood unmoving as she stepped back, his eyes understanding as he looked upon her with… what was it exactly? Regret, was it? Or perhaps it was guilt?

Changmin spoke again, “I’m home, wife.”

Yoona turned right then and ran, pushing past her bewildered mother-in-law and up to her room to lock herself in. She dropped to her knees as sobs shook her body and tears streamed down her cheeks and onto her hands.

Im Yoona – aged 22 and married to the Shim family clan, cried for the first time in five years at the realization that the day she had long dreamed about had finally arrived. Changmin had returned, looking well and the same as if he’d never left. After five long years… Changmin was home—

_Her husband was home._

 


	3. My Peace is Lost

Days passed after the night the true heir of the Shim family returned with such normalcy, it rattled Yoona’s heart and mind to the core. The shock hadn’t worn off yet, even though it had already been several days since Changmin had walked into her life again and picked up where he left off in the family’s business affairs. She hadn’t expected it to wear off at all to be honest, given the fact that she’d avoided him since then despite knowing that she shouldn’t run away anymore. Changmin had been the one to leave after all… she hadn’t done wrong by him (or anyone for that matter) at all.

Yoona sighed, sinking into the warm steam of her bath and poured water across her face. Mother had announced that they were going to have a complete family dinner (again) for once and that they should all be presentable at the table – hence the warm bubble bath she had going for her that early evening.

“You need to look refreshed, my dear.” Mother had said, patting her cheek lovingly when she’d finally finished working – looking frazzled and dusty all over, “At least for me.”

She pressed a soft towel to her arm and tried to relax herself; scrubbing away the dust of work she’d forced herself to do that day to avoid meeting her husband at the plantations.

 _Husband._ The word sounded heavy and bitter in her mouth even without saying it out loud, and yet at the same time strangely comforting. She shook her head. Clearly she had so much more to work through before she could finally let go of everything that was Shim Changmin, her husband. Today had just been the beginning: avoiding him was the first step.

Yoona checked on her family’s sugar plantation first, making sure to tiptoe past Changmin when he finally arrived before going to the Shim family’s rice mill to peruse on the workers’ activities and give them some sustenance. She didn’t stop to rest when she came home after that and made sure that she was always found doing something, just in case Changmin or any of his subordinates decided to call upon her. With luck, he hadn’t tried to speak to her since the night he returned. And quite frankly, for now – while her heart still shook with fury and so much love she couldn’t (and will never) voice out to him – the distance was all for the best.

She wished it was easier. As much as she wanted to reach out and forgive him, she simply could not. If only she had a true friend to confide in but even that was hard to come by – not when the last friend she’d given all her trust to ended up being the one to betray her in the most horrible way between friends. Choi Sooyoung had been her best friend and sister since they were children and why she could have destroyed their friendship just like that… _Oh, that’s a story for another time_ , Yoona told herself. She, at least, had another friend – Minho – but he was still off in a trip with his father and could not be contacted until soon. She’d have to wait till he returned before she could escape from meeting her husband by hiding behind another man.

Ugh. That sounded so _callous_. For her, for Minho… for Changmin.

Looking up at the ceiling, Yoona bit her lip as an image of him flooded her mind’s eye. It would be a lie if she said that she hadn’t stopped to watch him since he’d arrived. Because despite her insistence of keeping distance, Yoona knew in her heart that she was incapable of ignoring his presence in her home. Didn’t she always visit her memories with him everyday before he’d come back? Thinking back on moments they shared and on to feelings she had refused to show before he left? She couldn’t lie to herself about that – she couldn’t lie about the fact that in the last four years, she had wished for nothing more than for him to return. Never mind the anger he rightfully deserved to receive and the foolish regret she felt for not doing anything to make him stay… Yoona simply wanted him home.

And he was home, _finally_. With each moment passing by that thought, her heart gave a lurch of sadness against her chest.

Changmin settled in sleeping in another room, far from hers, the night he returned and has slept there since. She heard him say to the help that night that “Your mistress wouldn’t want me to sleep in our room, I’m sure and I understand perfectly why” – and she had appreciated it for the most part, because she didn’t think her heart could take it if he had suddenly appeared next to her the following morning… while the shock was still so strong and gripping her senses. However, a small part of her had wanted him to come to her door – to plead with her to let him enter or something but she knew it was foolish to want that to happen.

Shim Changmin was a proud and capable man. He never begged, even when he should. He might have been gone for five years, but she knew that part of him would never change. It was innate in his family’s biology. It was one of those traits that had infuriated and attracted her to him in the first place. His pride and determination, among others, had captured her to him. She wouldn’t have wanted that part of him changed either, even given the circumstances of their relationship now.

Yoona sank deeper into the warm water, relaxing into the heat that touched her whole body and skin. She thought of him again: of his dark eyes and his thin lips, the sharp edge of his jaw, the broadness of his shoulders and the calloused pads of his fingers upon her cheek. She shivered despite the warmth, her cheeks coloring pink as arousal set into her stomach and swirled there. Perusing her current position now, she looked back into her memories and realized how familiar this feeling was from back five years ago. Hadn’t she felt this way when he had come to her that night? Soothing her confused thoughts with words slipping out from the baritone of his voice as they slid into a comfortable understanding as husband and wife?

She remembered being so troubled back then, by the words the elders and her peers had told her about being fruitless three months after their honeymoon. It bothered her to think that her marriage was being scrutinized by so many people – almost all of them only interested in the news of an heir and nothing more. The elders had called her useless – unable to bear fruit for the established family line while her peers had called her hopeless – for not plunging into an act with her handsome husband they said they would’ve gladly done if they were in her shoes.

Yoona frowned at the thought of those ill-advised meetings. None of them knew much about her or her relationship with the Shim family, nothing aside from the ridiculous stories people cast over the city, and so how could they judge her in such a harsh way? They were definitely _not_ in her shoes, and if they were they would know just how good it was to be included in such a close-knit family. Her marriage with Changmin might have been arranged but she had grown to love him over time. He had too, she liked to think ( _Such a foolish thought_ , her mind bristled)… wasn’t that enough for the rumor mill, at least?

 _No, of course not._ The mill needed to keep going and she had always been an easy target. Yoona struggled to keep from vomiting in her mouth at remembering all the inappropriate and perverted things her peers and elders had ‘advised’ her that day – _“You’re only worth something if you’re married, dear. No one appreciates a headstrong lady without purpose.”_ Ugh. The gall of their words disgusted and hurt her in more ways than it should.

Her cheeks were as pink as they were on her face right now when she’d blurted it out to him one night, surprising him while he went over numerous business accounts at his desk.

The memory had gone in this way:

 _“They say I must be unattractive if we hadn’t even slept under one blanket yet.”_ She blurted out, balling fists into her skirt as she tried desperately not to cry, _“They said that I’ll only bring misfortune to the family since I still haven’t produced an heir. Is that really all I’m worth for? How stupid could they be to take that notion seriously?!”_

It was a stupid notion to compare a woman’s worth to how many sons she could produce but it had hurt her deeply. Their words had wounded her soul harder than she thought they would be able to. And she felt utterly helpless, knowing it was partially true. Since their wedding, Changmin had not once slept beside her – well, he had in a sense, but with separate blankets and he’d always stay unmoving on his side. Though he had told her that he was simply giving her privacy and space ( _“—since this isn’t what you had in mind in the first place. I don’t want to take from you anything else you’re not willing to give”_ were his exact words in Paris), Yoona couldn’t dispel the ill feeling brewing inside of her that perhaps everything they said about their marriage was true. Perhaps, Changmin wasn’t attracted to her at all and that’s why he wouldn’t truly share a bed. Perhaps, he didn’t want to be married to her even more than she didn’t want to be married at 17 either.

These childish thoughts of hers, she thinks, hurt a lot too. Maybe even more.

She continued her rant, with a fiery rage that smoked embers to her temper. _“It’s not as if the heavens would fall if we didn’t have a child after being married three months! Goodness! All they see is the fact that we’re a young married couple ‘with limitless energy and time to spare’, and yet are without an heir. Ugh! Why are people so judgmental?!”_

Changmin patiently listened to her rant without a word, looking at her with an indescribable expression on his face up until she turned around in defeat and marched to their bedroom. She hadn’t expected him to do anything about her fuming tirade... from what she had observed over the course of the days is that his reaction went one of two ways: he would either ignore or delve into arguing with his biting sarcasm and wit. Changmin seemed to favor the latter quite a bit and she had found it amusing to watch when he did so with other people. However at this circumstance, neither were the reactions she needed. If anything… she wanted, at least, to see him respond just a little bit. She wanted him to tell her she was mistaken or something – anything! But instead, he’d just sat there in his desk, listening to her every word.

It took him an hour or two after her outrage to be in the same room as her again, leaning against the door frame and watching her sit solemnly on her side of the bed and dressed in her nightgown.

Yoona had laid out his pillow and blanket on the edge of the bed, where it would be easy for him to arrange himself on his side of the mattress. That was the arrangement he’d silently arranged for himself since they’d married, and although it was strange and bothered her to wake up to see her husband’s back turned from her, Yoona did nothing to reprimand him. Perhaps that was another reason why people didn’t think of them much as a couple? They were nothing of the sort of lovey-dovey couple most people expected. She’d never chastised him in public, unlike how Mother and Father Shim would playfully and lovingly bicker outdoors. Yoona sighed, there was no use to worrying about that now… she should just accept the fact that her marriage was a joke to many and she was one of those who thought so too.

 _“I’m sorry for earlier… it’s been a rough day. We should get some sleep,”_ she said half-heartedly, waving her hand to the side when she heard him enter the room and moved towards the center of the room.

She slipped into the sheets of the bed and turned to her side, staring out at the window without bothering to wait for him to reply, and watched as the crescent moon shine across the night sky. It was a particularly chilly night, she mused – noting the way the branches and leaves of the tree near the gate swayed softly with the wind. There was a rustle of movement from behind her but she ignored it, entranced by the fluttering leaves and the brightness of the moon. Yoona’s thoughts drifted to the thin blanket she’d prepared for Changmin and pursed her lips, thinking: _Maybe I should get him a thicker blanket?_

She didn’t have enough time to react when the bed suddenly dipped beside her and a long, lean arm suddenly enveloped her slender frame while the other was promptly propped up to anchor his head. Yoona froze almost immediately at the contact, eyes widening at the realization that her husband – her stoic, no-nonsense husband – had just gotten into bed with her – and under the same blanket.  She kept her head stationary at one side and breathed deeply, trying to keep her heart from hammering against her chest. No matter how sudden this was – it was also so very comfortable. Natural, even! It was this knowledge that unnerved her the most.

 _This can’t be happening_ , she thought as she tried to calm her already quickening heart, _what the hell is he going to do?_

 _“What are you—doing?”_ Her voice caught in her throat midway through the sentence. She tucked her chin in and waited for him to reply, the sound of his breathing mingling with hers.

_“I’m going to sleep next to my wife under one blanket… you know, it’s something ‘married couples’ do.”_

It surprised her often at how casual he could be with her sometimes; speaking to her as if they had known each other personally for years and not just for several months. She wondered why he couldn’t be that way all of the time – but then the childish (and hurtful) thoughts would kick in and she keeps from pulling her heart out for him to see. Yoona could practically feel him smirk from behind her, probably teasing her for her earlier emphasis in her rant and (unfortunately) she felt a smile creep onto her lips. Elbowing him softly on his rib while rolling her eyes in amusement despite her better judgment, she said, _“Be serious. You know what I mean.”_

Changmin sighed into her hair, mumbling a fragment of her name and she stilled once again.  _“Changmin?”_

_“Does it matter what they think? About us, I mean.”_ He said, seemingly talking to himself more than to her. He shifted behind her, his hand motionless on her stomach. It was warm, his skin... The heat swirled in her stomach as he (unconsciously?) rubbed a thumb over the smoothness of the fabric of her nightgown. _“They know nothing about us… they don’t know how good our parents’ friendship was, or how my father thought of your father as a brother. Why should their opinions matter when they don’t know anything?”_

His words cut through her insides and she pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep from spilling sudden tears hidden underneath her lashes. If there was any other moment to speak her mind, it would be now but what would she say? And why should she? _It’s not like I’m anywhere ready to tell him that I care for him._

_“Jump in anytime with your thoughts, Yoona. Hearing you rant earlier was interesting.”_

Yoona laughed aloud despite herself, elbowing him once again – harder this time – and shrugged. Did he want her to tell him things truthfully? Her honest thoughts about their arrangement of a marriage, her steadily growing love for him and how much it scared her to feel this way for someone who didn’t feel the same way? It was true that no one else knew them as much as they knew themselves… but what of each other? They’ve never really spoken in deep conversation before, even though she wanted and there were moments where he looked like he wanted to as well. They had stared off into space side by side, but did that count for knowing each other? No. Probably not.

 _“Fine. Maybe, you’re right about how their words shouldn’t matter… but… I wonder – is there anything about us?”_ Yoona asked, laboring her breathing to match his calm one and brushing her hand over his forearm. She wondered if he was as confused and dizzy under her touch as she was with his.

His hand unconsciously pressed against her stomach – his touch sending a burning up and down her insides. She pursed her lips together and tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach when he spoke again: _“What do you mean?”_

She considered her words. _“Oh… you know… we’re married but what do we know about each other aside from that we are husband and wife? It’s true that our families have a wonderful relationship – but it’s_ our _marriage, not theirs. I only know who you are to the public… and the same goes for your knowledge of me.”_ Yoona bit her lower lip and thought about how to finish her explanation. She inwardly wished that her words wouldn’t be misunderstood by him and drive a wedge between what was already a confusing relationship. _“I don’t know… I suppose I don’t think it’s fair to ignore them if we have as much understanding about each other as they do.”_

 _“Does that mean you want to know more about me privately?”_ Changmin asked, his tone hinted with irony. Yoona sighed in mock exasperation (oh, he understood what she meant but had decided to go into a sarcastic route he seemed to favor) and elbowed him on the ribs again. _“And vice versa, Changmin. Don’t you want to know more about me too?”_

Oh. Was that a nod? Yoona felt the hairs on her nape stand up as his head slowly bobbed up and down after a moment’s thought – the movement answering her question and elating her mood in more ways than what was possible. She kept her head down as another smile made itself known on her lips. Could it be possible to love and hate this night anymore than she already did? He wanted to know more about her… the happiness upon learning that fact made it easy for her to relax substantially in his arms.

The moonlight had grown dim now because of the clouds that covered it from sight, but one could still see the outline of it clearly. Yoona had always thought of the moon to be a foreboding body of extraterrestrial land, but at that moment the moon was a beautiful and welcome sight to see. The seconds ticked on as they enjoyed the silence that inevitably enveloped them.

And then— _“Look at me.”_ Changmin urged in a mellow tone; his breath warm against the back of her neck and making the hair on the ends of her arms stand up once again. She lowered her eyes from the moon and closed them in attempt to look as if she were already asleep, her heart hammering on beneath her breast. His fingers found its way under her chin, tracing lines against her skin. _“Hey… I know you’re still awake. Just look at me, please.”_

 _“Why should I?”_ she asked, her voice unusually strained and soft. His hand cupped her cheek and pulled her face slowly towards him.

_“Because I want to know you… and because you are my wife, and I am your husband.”_

_“How long are you going to emphasize that last bit?”_

_“For as long as you do indirectly.”_

_“I don’t emphasize indirect—”_

_“Yoona.”_

Finally, Yoona allowed herself to crane her neck just far enough to catch sight of his eyes—before he immediately took advantage of her (slightly) awkward position and hovered over her with his hand at either side of her head. She blinked up at him, shocked at this turn of events but didn’t move away. (There was no escape anyway, and whatever this was… it was bound to happen sooner or later.) Instead, she took note of the fact that he’d loosened three buttons on his shirt and simply stared down at her with an unreadable expression on his face.

_“Are we…?”_

_“Only if you want to.”_

_“Do you?”_

_“… for a while now.”_

She opened her mouth to respond, but what could she reply to that? It would be a lie to say that she hadn’t thought about it too: of her skin touching his underneath soft bed covers and breaths mingling. She was not a prude to know nothing about what as inevitable between them – they were married for _goodness’ sake_! (Just how many times was she going to emphasize this in her head?). However, she was pure to the act but there was no way she could say those thoughts out loud! Not that there were words she could say…. they seemed so foreign to her at that moment, with her eyes locked with his in a trance-like state and tracing (memorizing) every glint and shadow that passed through them. Suddenly, her hands reached up to cup his face ( _perhaps that was enough of an answer?_ ) – surprising him and herself as she rubbed her thumb over the soft part of his cheek.

And then – _there it was_ , suddenly. A tug in her chest, as if a string had been pulled there that propelled her to lean up towards him just as he brought his lips onto hers—

The knock on the door drove her out of her hazy path down memory lane and she lifted her eyes curiously at the wood of it. “Who is it?” she asked, the question echoing inside the bathroom. She expected to hear a young woman’s accented voice but was instead greeted by a baritone she loved and wanted to hate all at the same time. _Why of all times, when I was just thinking of him – why did he have to be the one outside my door?_

“Yoona, are you there?” Changmin called through the door and her breath caught in her chest. There was a light rustle from behind the wood and she imagined him shifting his stance from one foot to another and staring down the door, “Dinner will be ready soon and I haven’t seen you all day. Minyoung said you’ve been bathing for over an hour. Are you alright?”

_Maybe if I stay quiet, he’ll go away._

“Yoona…?” _I suppose not._

“I’m fine… I’ll be dressed in a while. Please just tell Mother, I’ll be down for dinner,” she replied anxiously, rising from the warm bath and reaching for her towel hanging from above her. She padded the material over her skin before wrapping it tightly around her, studying her face and expression all the while. With a nervous glance at the door, she turned the knob just a bit to reveal Changmin with his back turned and leaning against the frame. “You can go now… I’m done bathing and need to change.”

Changmin nodded, turning around to look from the wedge in the door. Yoona grasped the ends of her towel tightly and tried to appear nonchalant. She thanked the heat emanating from the bath for masking the blush she knew she had on her cheeks as his eyes studied hers and drifted slowly downwards. She cleared her throat when his gaze seemed to stay on her and raised an eyebrow, snapping her fingers to catch his attention.

“I said I need change. Shouldn’t you be out the door by now to leave me to dress in peace?” she said, looking at him pointedly as she stepped closer behind the door and peeked through the wedge. “I deserve some privacy in my own home.”

He shrugged, a grin spreading through his lips as he turned away from her and from the door. “True… but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” he said cheekily, earning one of Yoona’s bathroom slippers thrown onto his head.

Yoona glowered as Changmin looked back at her burning red face and smiled while he rubbed the back of his head from the impact. “Sorry. But isn’t it the truth?” he said, grinning at her just as she raised her other slipper to throw at him. That grin sent a shiver down her back therefore darkening her cheeks with red and weakening her knees at the sight.

 _Goddamn it, Shim Changmin. How is it possible you can still make me feel this way even though I should be furious at you?!_ She opened her mouth to scream at him to leave; only he’d already left and closed the door when she finally came to her senses.

She dropped slowly into a sitting position on the floor and groaned, shaking her head at how easy it was for heart to drop from under her and into his palm. Five years of absence and just like that, Changmin could easily pluck out her emotions and keep it close to him. She pressed a hand over her temple and bit her lip, breathing deeply as her heart settled into a calm rhythm finally before standing to get ready. “Damn cheeky bastard…” she mumbled under her breath as pulled on her undergarments in deliberate haste (just in case, he would reappear) and dressed simply in a crème colored skirt and white blouse.

Fluffing her hair out of the collar of her blouse and combing through it, Yoona considered her reflection for a moment and taking in the healthy blush across her pale skin and the watery shine in her eyes. It was already seven in the evening and knowing Mother Shim, she wouldn’t appreciate it if her daughter-in-law were any later for dinner than she already was. With this thought in mind, Yoona decided she looked normal enough in her attire and stood up to head down to the dinner table.

“Took you long enough.” Changmin said out of nowhere, stepping out from the shadows of the hallway to look at her knowingly. She stepped back just a bit when he came closer, studying her face and brushing back a hair past her cheek. Yoona tensed at the touch of his fingers on her skin and recoiled just a little bit as a small bolt electricity went through her. _Damn it. Damn it._

Fortunately, he didn’t acknowledge the recoil and instead, turned his gaze away and down the hall. He started walking towards the stairs, calling out to her from over his shoulder – his tone casual and so very normal (given the circumstances):

“Come on – Mother won’t like it if we’re late.”

 

* * *

 

The dinner was exactly as she had pictured it: silent and awkward. Silent because Yoona had refused to comment on anything Changmin-related and awkward because her parents-in-law kept hinting on a “possible” reconciliation… not that it was needed – at least that was what she thought. They hadn’t fought, never had a reason to; he’d just left for five years without a word.

“The both of you cannot refuse to talk about this.” Father Shim said, shaking his head as his son and his daughter-in-law speared their food in silence. The tension between the two was palatable enough for even him – who usually liked to keep out of the way of anything personal – to notice. It had already been a week, for crying out loud and apparently they still hadn’t had a decent (or any) conversation at all. “This push-and-pull scenario the two of you have going on is making my head dizzy. Fix it somehow or we’ll always be sitting round here in silence!”

“Shh. It’s not our business, dear,” Mother soothed, patting her husband’s hand from beside him. She glanced at the pair seated around the circular table and sighed, noting the distance (Yoona had put) between them. She understood well enough that it wouldn’t be easy, considering all the silent pain Yoona went through and the length of absence Changmin had established in between. There was no easy way to go around it… but it would help to start talking it through. Unfortunately, this might prove to be more of a challenge than her asking Yoona to meet all the men she’d tried to pair with her over the past year.

Catching the glances they would both throw each other while the other wasn’t looking, Mother Shim realized that all her efforts would forever never bear fruit. There was just too much between them to dissect and fully understand by mere bystanders such as her.

“Well… so how was China, Changmin?” Mother asked finally, watching her son nonchalantly chew at his food while his wife inevitably stilled in her movements to wait for his response. She hadn’t gotten much information from her son about where he had really gone to except for a general location: China. They knew of some business partners from the country – but none of them had let them know of his appearance during the past five years. For all they knew, Changmin hadn’t gone or stayed at the capital cities where their business partners were located. It left a question of where had he gone in the country to hide out for five whole years? “We haven’t really sat down to talk, my son. I’d like to know about your… trip, please.”

Yoona choked on the word ‘trip’ and tried her hardest from scowling. That was such an understatement – ‘trip’? It was more of a relocation than a measly trip if only they had asked her to describe his absence. She wiped the side of her mouth with a napkin and continued to stare down at her food, all the while waiting for him to speak. China, eh? He had gone to China – a place he’d once described as a “ _stressful place to visit_ ” and one he would “ _never go back to_ ” if given a chance. What a lie.

“China was alright. I went to Guilin, a province south of the country and on the west bank of the Li River. I stayed and worked there with a family that had a rice plantation like ours,” Changmin answered indifferently, never once giving away any nervousness he might or might not have at the moment. He met Yoona’s eyes from across the table while he spoke, as if he were telling her this information because she’d asked and not his mother. For some reason, the thought comforted her – he’d wanted her to know, even though she never would have asked. “Theirs was smaller compared to what we own here, but it was large enough for me to get darker like this.”

“What did you do—work in the fields? Somehow I find that hard to imagine.” Yoona said, steeling her voice just in case she faltered in nervousness. Mother Shim raised an eyebrow at her but said nothing at her curt tone, while Father Shim hid a smile creeping onto his lips by bringing another spoonful of food to his mouth. She hadn’t meant for her tone to sound brusque or stern – but if hearing it had bother Changmin, he made no sign to show it. Instead, he’d just smiled at her direction and shrugged, sipping from his glass slowly.

“Actually, I did. I like to think that toiling in the fields gave me some perspective… it made me realize just how well we have it here in Korea especially now that Japanese occupation’s done and over with.” He replied in a casual tone, his eyes locked on her figure as she purposefully steered her gaze to anywhere but him. He let out an amused chuckle at this, as if daring her to take a chance and meet his eyes without flinching every so often.

Oh and she would, if she could – only Yoona knew that she was simply not ready for any more of that yet. Her heart still tumbled and her insides still skittered in anxiety and bewilderment in his presence. One slip up could bring her back to square one (under his spell and turning a blind-eye at all the pain he’d put her through) and she might never ever get the truths she deserved. She let out a sigh of frustration under her breath and glanced at him, “Does this mean you’ll start helping the workers in the fields too?”

“He’s been doing just that since he came back actually.” Father said, surprising her with his bout of information. She blinked in surprise, raising an eyebrow at her mother-in-law who only shrugged and smiled mysteriously in response. With a chuckle, Father Shim patted his son’s shoulder good-naturedly and grinned. “I was surprised myself, my dear. Who would have thought my son would be knee deep in mud, planting seedlings in a row?”

“Somehow I don’t think it would suit him. He’s too much of a prince, unfortunately.” Yoona huffed, rolling her eyes at Changmin who was watching her with an amused expression on his face. She said nothing as he suddenly leaned forward towards her, propping his fingers onto her chin and forcing her to look at him with his face inches from hers. She briefly cursed the fact that family table was round but didn’t move away despite flinching here and there under his touch. It would be embarrassing to turn away in front of her in-laws… she was still bound to this man after all. No matter how idiotic he truly was.

“I’m not so much a prince as you are a princess,” He said, smirking at her.

“I’ll have you know that I’ve changed since you’ve been absent.”

“As have I.”

Yoona frowned at him, finally pulling her chin away from him to turn back to her dinner. His tone was challenging her to say something she would both regret and be proud of. She considered the consequences if she said everything that were on her mind at that very moment. What would happen if she suddenly said that she both dreaded and looked forward to seeing him sip his coffee every morning while she slipped out of her room without anyone noticing or that even though she’d been avoiding him, she’d asked all the maids to make him a packed lunch because she knew how engrossed he’d be in his work and how big his appetite still was. She laughed at herself and came to the conclusion that she was either asking him to cause more trouble in her head or an opening to embarrass herself even further – anyway, it didn’t matter. Things were already complicated and humiliating… why stop now?

Yoona held her place in his gaze. “I’m sure you’ve changed, _husband_. If you were the old Shim Changmin, you wouldn’t dare touch me in front of your parents.” She replied coolly, the stress in that one word somehow echoing across the dinner table and resounding in her ears the moment she said it.

A snort of laughter came from beside her moments later and the couple turned their eyes to the elderly couple chuckling underneath their breaths at their exchange. Mother Shim held her hand up in attempt to say that they should just ignore them but with the cheery grin on her face, it was hard not to notice. Yoona blinked at her parents-in-law in awe before turning back to look at Changmin who also did the same. “Are they laughing at us?” she asked in a stage whisper, her brow furrowed on the top of her nose.

“I think they are,” he replied in amusement – it was directed to his parents, but it felt as though it was also unconsciously directed to her – and shook his head. Changmin leaned back against his seat and cocked his head to the side, raising an eyebrow at his mother still giggling at them. “I suppose we entertain them, _wife_. We should bicker more often.” He snorted at her and shrugged, glancing back at Yoona who was still rather confused with what was going on.

His father shook his head, laughing still in his mirth. “It’s been awhile since we’ve heard Yoona say things so… passionately,” he said, grinning at the incredulous look Yoona threw him at his words. She opened her mouth (“Father! What are you saying? I’ve always talked like this.”), lightly hit him across the table on the arm and glancing at her mother-in-law for help – only to receive another laugh in response.

Changmin looked interested at this new information and raised his eyebrow. “Has she been a bore while I was gone?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and giving her a teasing sideway glance. Yoona inwardly groaned in frustration and unconsciously kicked him under the table. He let out a surprised yelp and reached down to rub his shin. All the while, he grinned at her with an easiness that only fumed her annoyance more. “I see you haven’t lost your strength. Your aim is better now.”

“I’ve had time to practice.” She rolled her eyes at him, a small smile betraying her lips as she considered his response. She briefly remembered a time years ago when he’d teased her for missing countless shots whenever she tried to hit him with anything (her pillow, her hand, her shoe, her knee) when he (although it was seldom) teased her. “But it’s really either I’ve gotten better or you’re just playing dumb.”

“Perhaps, it’s both.” Changmin offered, his eyes suddenly softening. Yoona noticed the change and looked away, feeling warmth come to her cheeks and said nothing in return. From awkward to teasing to awkward again, it was a blur how quickly the atmosphere shifted between them. She couldn’t quite put a finger into what it was that made it so easy for them to revert to their former selves and then end up going back to what was the reality of five years of absence.

Luckily, he didn’t say anymore and went back to his dinner – successfully bringing his parents attention back to him with a well-placed joke while she pondered inside her head. Yoona glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and pursed her lips – _I don’t understand you, Changmin._

“Forgive me for interrupting, but a man named Choi Minho has just arrived for Madam Yoona,” a young maid announced, creeping up from behind them with a soft knock on the wall to catch their attention. Yoona’s eyes widened surprise at her maid, as did Changmin’s and everyone else’s around the table. She looked at her mother-in-law beside her and blinked at her in confusion; her eyes shining in question: _Minho? Why is here? Did you send him here, Mother?_

The only response she got from the elder woman was another confused look as well, and with that Yoona decided to speak up.

“Did he tell you what he’s here for, Minyoung?” she asked, tilting her head to the side as she laid her utensils on the side of her plate. As far as she knew, Minho’s next visit was tomorrow afternoon – not tonight, in the middle of dinner with her husband and parents-in-law – and so it was only her guess why he would be there at her home all of the sudden.

The maid, Minyoung, shook her head. “He didn’t say much, madam… just that he’d like to speak to you about his visit tomorrow.”

“Oh. Well, perhaps he’s going to reschedule?” Mother Shim suggested, turning her head to look at her son and daughter-in-law to gauge their reactions. Yoona was clearly still confused by the whole thing, while Changmin’s face seemed to darken in concern.

Their eyes met for a split second – an electric charge suddenly filling the room as it gave off mixed feelings of confusion, curiosity, regret and jealousy. The older couple’s lips lifted up simultaneously as they turned to glance at each other knowingly and Mother Shim silently clicked her tongue in resignation. It was almost amusing how easy it was for them to argue and misunderstand each other but not realize how the other feels when it was truly needed.

“Who is Choi Minho?” Changmin asked suddenly, his words cutting through the silence so swiftly Yoona felt a chill run up her spine. There was a tone in his voice she couldn’t make out, but it was definitely there – sharp and biting. She turned to glare at him with no reason why she suddenly felt infuriated and held her nose up high.

“It’s not your business to ask,” she huffed, lifting herself off her seat to motion for her maid to go back and tell her guest that she’d be out in a moment. “Who I befriend over the time you’ve been _away_ is none of your concern.”

Changmin’s eyes narrowed as he stood up as well, “Are you sure you want to use that argument, Yoona?”

Yoona considered his words, looking straight into his eyes. They stared at each other for a whole minute, weighing each other down until finally she gave up and turned away, pulling her attention away from him and out towards the door. Changmin grunted under his breath as her steps faded. He then turned to his parents and gave a curt bow, taking long strides towards the door to follow her without another word.

The elderly couple let out a sigh and glanced at each other.

“It’s time they come into terms, I think.” Father Shim said, wiping his mouth with a napkin and finishing his glass of water in one gulp. His wife nodded her head, eyes melancholy as she stared off at the doorway her son and daughter-in-law had just passed through.

There was no doubt that there would be trouble ahead now that the young couple was finally reunited and things are not as simple as they would like them to be. Years of absence cannot be erased with smiles; neither could making each other jealous unconsciously do any better for the situation. The overwhelming air of hurt and covered half-truths should be cleared, and soon.

A heart could only wait for so long after all.

“Let’s hope they finally find the courage to do so.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m so sorry to disturb you but I really needed to see you tonight.” Minho apologized, standing abruptly as soon as he saw Yoona emerge from the door. She was as beautiful as the last time he’d seen her and his grin unconsciously widened as the young woman bowed politely in greeting and gave a small smile. He held out his hand for hers and lightly kissed it when she accepted (albeit, consciously – but he expected that). “With my business going as fast as it is at the moment, I’m afraid we might have to meet later than we’d originally planned. I wanted to let you know as soon as I realized it.”

“Oh… well, I’m happy to see you nonetheless” Yoona replied, her lips pressed into a thin smile. She was happy to see him – she really was, but tonight of all nights was not the best time to visit. “However, if you were going to reschedule… I think, perhaps you should have called instead of going all the way over here?”

A cloud passed over his features and she instantly felt guilty about silently dismissing him with her words. She didn’t mean to, but there was no other way. Changmin – anyone – could come in any moment and make things even more complicated than it already was. No matter how innocent her thoughts were of her friendship with this young man, Choi Minho, other notions could be misunderstood if her husband were to see them together standing close and speaking in a casual way. Yoona gave him another smile and patted his arm lightly, motioning for him to sit down on the couch with her. She kept her hands on her lap as she faced him. “I’m really very sorry for my rudeness, but you see… now is not the best time.”

Minho nodded uncertainly, tilting his head to the side slightly to look at her at a better angle. “I see… forgive me, but may I ask why?” he asked, his eyes filling with obvious concern at her peculiar behavior. Yoona wondered if she wasn’t doing much of a good job hiding her anxiety from him (or anyone for that matter) and gave a soft resigned sigh when he suddenly reached out to touch her cheek and she quickly moved away.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—” Minho looked embarrassed and hurt all at the same time. Once again, she felt a wave of guilt and sadness for him.

“No, no – it’s fine. It’s… I’m just not comfortable right now, you see.” Yoona lowered her eyes, discreetly glancing at the corners to check if anyone was listening, “Something unexpected came up while you were away and has taken much of my attention. If this weren’t the case, I would gladly let you stay and chat tonight – but I simply cannot allow that at the moment. I hope you understand, my friend.”

“Something unexpected?” he echoed, raising an eyebrow. She nodded her head gravely, “Yes. Something _very_ unexpected.” _Minho-shii… please don’t ask anymore questions._

Minho nodded as well, leaning back against his seat. Yoona could tell he was curious and inwardly wished for him to not press further – all the while knowing he would, because he was curious and interested in her. Didn’t he say that the first time they met? “Would it be rude if I were to ask what it was that’s unexpected? Or am I fishing for something our friendship is not allowed to venture forth at present time?” He asked, staring straight into her eyes.

Yoona shrugged her shoulders. “Minho-shii… this isn’t—”

“I think what my wife is trying to stress is that – tonight isn’t the best time to visit a friend.” Changmin’s voice flitted across the room suddenly, causing her to straighten in her seat instantaneously and look back at him leaning against the door frame that connected the parlor to the dining room. The gaze his eyes bore into hers was surprisingly fiery – angry almost… jealous, even. Changmin started towards them, stopping just far enough to bow slightly in formal greeting as he considered her companion. Yoona bit the inside of her cheek and lowered her head, her thoughts racing as Minho stood up abruptly to face him and they sized each other up.

 _Oh God, why? Why must this happen to me now?_ She regretted agreeing to meet Minho suddenly in her mind and felt sorry. If she hadn’t then perhaps, this face-off her husband and her friend were now doing wouldn’t have to happen.

Changmin held himself in check at the sight of this young man in front of him and slowly pulled out his hand. This man, Choi Minho, didn’t look like anyone familiar to him – and with the way Yoona lowered her head and avoided his gaze, he figured that her new friend was new in town and didn’t know who he was. A sardonic smile crossed his lips as he realized this and proceeded to introduce himself for this new man’s sake. The truth had to be revealed – Choi Minho had to know whose house he was stepping into so casually.

“I am Yoona’s ‘estranged’ husband, so to speak. My name is Shim Changmin.”

At the mention of the name, Minho’s eyes widened in surprise and he turned to look at her distressed expression. She nodded silently, resigning into her seat as Minho carefully stepped back as her husband came closer.

Cautiously, he shook Changmin’s outstretched hand and felt him grip his with a firmness that both shocked and impressed him all at the same time. _So he’s the infamous husband, eh?_ The young man scrutinized him with a wary look about his face, slightly frustrated at the fact that he’d expected to see someone much older and stupid-looking but instead was faced with a capable looking man who looked neither too old nor stupid. In fact, Shim Changmin was quite handsome and looked every bit an intelligent man. Not at all the type one would expect to leave a wife as beautiful as Im Yoona for years at a time.

 _He’s still pretty stupid though_ , he thought in slight contempt. Minho offered him a casual smile, but felt it too forced and the smirk he received as a response on seemed to boil his already biting dislike against Changmin. _He’s married to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on and he left her just like that. What an idiot._

“It’s good to meet you, Sir Changmin. My name is Choi Minho, a new friend of Yoona’s.”

Changmin nodded, shrugging his shoulder easily. “So I’ve heard,” he replied, stepping over to hover beside Yoona’s still and sitting frame. It did not escape Minho’s notice how she slowly lifted her eyes up to look at her husband and cautiously reach out to pull the fabric of his shirt, her lips pressed into a line. They seemed to talk with their eyes, a flurry of emotions running past their orbs so fast it was hard to make out anything substantial from it. Instead all Minho was able to extract was the fact that he was in no way capable of understanding what was truly between them at all – no matter how many stories he’s heard from the townspeople and the kind Mistress Shim.

They were on their own little world and Minho did not like feeling out of the box. He breathed in deeply and pasted on another casual smile on his face, clapping his hands together to bring the couple out of each other’s gaze. “It’s late. I should get going,” he said, bowing to them both politely. “I’ll come by again in two day’s time, Miss Yoona. Will the afternoon of the 6th be alright?”

Yoona turned her attention to Minho in surprise, eyes blinking in confusion for a moment before she suddenly felt a wave of guilt at the realization of their current situation. She glanced over at Changmin standing beside her and inwardly shook her head at the look he gave her in return. Then she stood up to bow to her guest as well, carefully elbowing her husband with one swift movement in the gut. Changmin could do nothing but only cough discreetly to hide whatever discomfort he felt and said nothing.

“The afternoon on the 6th is alright, Minho. I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but…” she trailed off, smiling sheepishly at him. The circumstances might have been inopportune but it didn’t make her any less lovely as she was at every moment. Minho cracked a better smile and shook his head, “It is fine, Miss Im. You don’t have to apologize. You are still married after all… it’s bound to happen, isn’t it?”

 _He’s bound to come back_ is what he meant to say, and Yoona knew this (Changmin did too, she could tell by the way his smirk thinned out of his lips and settled into a frown – _God, why?_ ) but felt grateful he hadn’t phrased it in that way. Turning her head to glance at the quiet man beside her to stay put, she laughed lightly and gestured Minho towards the exit, placing a hand on his shoulder as she led him away from the parlor. They were silent all the way to the door and bowed once again before Minho finally left and Yoona was left to catch the breath she was holding in ever since the moment Changmin suddenly appeared to make things complicated.

 _Just like he’s always done_ , she thought bitterly and sighing deeply. She leaned back against the door and pressed a hand on her face. “Why must you do that? Announce yourself in such a way that you embarrassed me in front of a friend?” Yoona asked, her tone taut as his familiar figure stepped towards her slowly. She didn’t need to see his face to know that he was thinking about what she’d just said and waited with her hand on her cheek and her eyes downcast. “You know how I’ve always had very few friends, Changmin. Did you really have to alienate the only one I have right now?”

“He doesn’t seem to only think of you as a friend though.” He replied, his hands in his pockets and his shadow covering her almost fully. Changmin lifted her chin and propelled her gaze to his. “I saw the way he looked at you. His eyes didn’t say ‘friends’ at all. Is he courting you, perhaps?”

“Your mother would know.” She countered evenly.

His lips cracked into a small smile. “Of course.”

They stayed like that – staring into each other – for a moment more before Yoona broke the gaze and pulled back, turning to step heavily towards the staircase. This night was already difficult to begin with, and she desperately needed some rest. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new beginning – a new cycle of the push-and-pull game her heart and mind played within her at the very thought of Shim Changmin in such close proximity.

“I’m going to bed. Good night, Changmin—”

“Don’t see him again.” He called out, stopping her in her tracks at the peculiar sincerity in his voice, “Don’t see him again, Yoona.”

Her heart lurched in her chest while her mind reeled with questions and confusion. _Why of all times was he saying this to her now?_ After five years of waiting – five years of wondering and never having any sign or hope that  he would return – how could he say that after hurting her so much? While it was true that Minho’s intentions were more of that of a friend, it didn’t change the fact that Yoona had allowed him friendship and Changmin had no authority to tell her what she should do. At least, he had no authority in her mind – they were still married, _yes_ , but a lot had changed. He’d changed and so did… parts of her change as well. (The important part – her heart, her love – this hadn’t changed at all, but he wouldn’t know that. _No._ )

“And why not? You saw other women, why should I not be given the same allowance with other men?” She turned to him slowly, her eyes cold and hardened despite herself.

“Don’t make this about the past, Yoona.” Changmin shook his head as he walked towards her. His statement surprised her and she stared at him as he stopped in front of her. He didn’t reach out, although he seemed like he wanted to, his hands dangling by his sides as he spoke. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Not that you ever did listen even then.”

“What?”

“There were no other women.”

_No. No, there were. I saw you! I saw you and Sooyoung—_

“You are my only woman. Just _you_ , Yoona.”

 


	4. A Look Back into the Past

**_August 1943, Korea._**

_“Breathe. Yoona, please just breathe.”_

_“I can’t—Ugh! It hurts… It hurts so much!”_ Yoona screamed as a sharp stab of pain forced itself into her center, tearing her insides apart. She struggled on her bed sheets, crying in torment as several people kept her stationary on the mattress – two maids holding her feet down while her husband gripped her hands on either side of her head, whispering soothing words into her ear in an attempt to calm her and failing miserably. Whatever pain men complained about in the world could not possibly match with the blazing sting she was feeling at that moment.

The day had begun with dark clouds forming in the sky in the early morning. Instead of blue, all they saw was gray and smoky clouds running past before thunder shook and the heavy rain finally poured. People in their town were afraid of the on-going war, and the weather did nothing to dissipate that anxiety any further than it had already worsened it. They were the more fortunate ones really – their town had the least Japanese military occupants and none of them were really all that bad. Except… oh the war was death itself. So many loved ones lost… countless souls gone in an instant, and for what? _Greed and power?_ Yoona could scarcely imagine being alone in this time and thanked the heavens that her husband had not been called to duty. How would she live if he was to go and something unspeakable happened to him? What about their unborn child? What about her? She hadn’t even told him yet – she hadn’t—

The contractions started at the same time as the thought settled in and the first rumble of thunder rolled by. Then another agonizing wave came crashing over her when lightning struck the land, knocking her off of her feet and onto her knees. It had taken her by surprise – she was not due for another month when her water broke and she fainted before anyone even knew what was going on. Changmin had found her minutes later lying in the middle of their bedroom, screaming as blood started to pool from between her legs and he’d immediately called for doctor and midwife to come. Hours had already passed and still there was no adequate change to deliver the baby. Yoona feared greatly for the life stirring within her and prayed as a stream of tears rolled down her cheeks as heavy as the rain pelted on her window sill.

She screamed again, her nails biting down on Changmin’s skin so deeply that he held back a shout of pain and turned to glare at the people surrounding them in the room. All of those who saw him took a step back in alarm and the maids watching from the door hurriedly scurried out. “Just how long are you going to make my wife suffer!” He yelled at the old midwife overseeing the whole ordeal. He didn’t damn well care if he was being rude at an elder – gentlemanly manners were not of importance at the moment – not when his wife and his unborn child’s lives were at stake! _“What the hell are you doing standing over there?!”_

The old woman huffed in indignation and put her hands on her widened hips. _“I say, young man, but that is not the proper way to consider your elders! I understand that this is a very stressful time but I would implore you to calm down and let me handle this.”_

 _“Save your lecture for another day, madam,”_ he retorted, wincing at another wave of pain Yoona inflicted on his skin as she cried out. She whimpered underneath him incoherently, barely registering any of the words being spoken at her expense as he continued, _“Just do your job and save my wife! I won’t have her cry herself ragged any longer than you’ve already had.”_

 _“It won’t do any good if you yell, Mister Shim! You’re wife is in labor but she’s not fully dilated yet. I cannot simply hurry along the process of birth! Hastening things would only harm the child’s well-being!”_ The midwife yelled back and effectively shutting him up. Changmin glowered at her as she continued in a much calmer tone, _“Perhaps it would be best if you leave the room for—”_

He scoffed and tightened the hold he had over his wife’s wrists as she wrung about and cried. His tone was even, calm – deathly serious – as he spoke, _“No. I’m staying right where I am.”_

The old woman considered him for a moment, taking note of the possessive grip he had over his wife’s wrists and the tender kiss he’d gone and brushed on her temple as she whimpered (“ _Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me please._ ”) onto his shoulder. _Oh, my._

If there was any misunderstanding she might have had between the young couple when they had scandalously gotten married months before and when rumors suddenly circulated around town… these misjudgments were no longer in her mind. How could they be true if this young man was willing to do what other men could not have done at that very moment?  To readily stay through the pain and suffering his wife felt and inflicted on him, just so to witness the miracle of life? They were so young – and yet so… painfully _connected_ to each other it almost brought tears in her olden eyes. _So there are still couples like them in the world?_ Devoted to only one another for the rest of their lives?

Whether the young couple knew it or not, their marriage was irrevocably more than just another betrothal between two families. The old woman saw this and understood perfectly.

 _Love takes time, and it had taken them as well._ She knew this. _Oh,_ she knew this.

With that insight in mind, she said nothing more to him and hurried towards the young mistress Yoona, patting her comfortingly on the knee as she cried out. She was ready – just dilated enough for her to see the head of the child she automatically knew the young couple would love more than life itself.

 _“Miss Yoona, when I say ‘push’ please do so. It’ll all be over in a few moments.”_ The midwife hushed, patting her knee still as the young mistress cried but nodded nonetheless through her tears. The woman instructed her to breathe in deeply and Yoona watched as the midwife dipped her hands in warm water and motioned for her assistants to get ready. She drew in a deep breath. _“Push.”_

The pain, _oh God, the pain_.

 _“You’re going to be okay…”_ Changmin whispered against her cheek, gripping her hand as she gritted her teeth and pushed. He winced as she cried into his ear, and gave her a kiss on her forehead before pressing his own on hers to breathe and try to calm her once again. The pushing continued with each one harder and more painful than the last.

Yoona stared up at him pleadingly, exhausted and out of breath. He brushed a hand over her cheek.

_“Just breathe. I’ll be here. I won’t leave you.”_

_One more, just one more._ Her thoughts swirled around her, mingling with his as she nodded to him and gave all of her strength into one last –

 _A cry._ Yoona’s lips unconsciously widened into a grin as the most beautiful sound echoed through the room and her ears. Changmin suddenly cupped her cheeks in his calloused hands and pressed kisses all over her face just as the old woman stood up fully into view and announced, _“It’s a girl!”_

She brushed her lips onto Changmin’s for a moment, smiling still as her vision slowly darkened and her lips opened to trace words into his cheek… and then finally, she let herself go – into a dreamless but calming sleep waiting for her at the end of her strength.

 _“It’s a girl.”_ I love you.

 


	5. This Love is Unfair

**_Sometime in the past…_**

_“One day, my daughter, you will find someone to share the sunrise and sunsets with.”_ He said, his old and tired eyes crinkling with life as his daughter leaned her head onto his shoulder. She laughed, her smile shining bright under the orange sky. His daughter was beautiful and kind—a gift he’d cared for and loved oh-so delicately for years and years into womanhood. She reminded him of her mother, his beloved, and his heart filled with joy. _“Someday… you’ll find someone and you won’t like to watch the sky with me anymore.”_

 _“Don’t be silly, Father. I won’t love watching the sky with anyone else but you.”_ She replied absentmindedly, watching the sky’s changing colors. This was her favorite time of the day, when the sky fell slowly into passionate darkness and enveloped her with a sweet chill. Vaguely she wonders how much longer she would get to watch the sunset with her father and his ailing heart, and she bites back a sorrowful sigh.

Her father patted her head lovingly and sighed in her stead, looking back at the sky above them. _“You will carry on in this world when I’m gone—”_ he spoke, pressing a kiss on his daughter’s temple to silence her when she moved to disagree. She was a feisty one, his daughter, oh- how he loved her so. It would be hard to let her go into life alone…

Letting the night’s gloom surround them, he continued, _“And when that time comes… I want you to be with someone you love.”_

* * *

 

 “Good morning, Yoona.”               

Yoona strained to keep her gaze forward and unflinching as Changmin sat down beside her on the breakfast table, dragging a newspaper in his hands and smiling. There he was again – casual in tone and not at all conscious of the conversation that had transpired between them the night before. Could she have simply imagined every word he’d breathed to her some nights ago? Because Changmin couldn’t possibly be this… calm and collected after telling her something like that. Something about her – Im Yoona, the young mistress of the Shim estate – as his _only_ woman in all those years they’d spent together and apart. It couldn’t possibly be true. She’d heard the stories, had seen him wrapped in— _No, no, no_ —

Changmin tapped her plate with his fork and raised an eyebrow at her, smirking. Yoona could only blink at him and turn her eyes away. God, she hated that smirk. She hated it so much she was sorely tempted to either beat him with her plate, or grab him by the lapels of his shirt and kiss him senseless. Neither scene was one she wanted to make early in the morning and so she settled on ignoring him once again. She wasn’t going to let him get to her today – not _today_ of all days.

“It’s too early in the morning for your brows to be creased like that, Yoona.” He said, smiling as his eyes softened and he continued to stare at her. Changmin reached over to brush back the hair framing her face, his fingers tracing a line down her cheek as he did so. Yoona felt a warm shiver run down her side, swirling into her stomach as she pulled away – spearing her food with a fork as though his touch didn’t affect her (even though it did, it always have). If he’d notice any of this, Changmin didn’t let on. Instead, he pulled back as well and took a sip from his glass. “What are you up to today?”

“Oh, the usual. Shopping and embroidery, common activities for housewives like me.” Yoona said, sarcasm dripping from her tone. She spared him a look when he laughed heartily and fought back a tug of a smile on her lips.

“I’d expected you to go to your father’s today.” He replied simply, shrugging his shoulder. Her heart gave a squeeze at his words and she blinked at him in surprise. There was that air of confidence about him that was surprisingly comforting to witness, enveloping him as he leaned back and took another bite out of his breakfast. Changmin looked more settled in now than when he first came home – and rightly so, since he’d already been home for a little over two weeks now. He opened the newspaper in his hands, scanning an article quietly before responding (he probably felt her eyes staring at him).

“I didn’t forget what day it is today and how much it means to you, Yoona,” Changmin said, clearing his throat as he focused his eyes onto another article. She could tell that he wasn’t truly paying attention to what he was reading but said nothing in return; she was more interested in hearing what he’d say next. He gave her a small smile before continuing, “I offer a prayer to your father every year since I’d been gone… I was planning on going over there myself as well, in fact. With or without your permission, of course.”

 _He remembered?_ Yoona gripped the cloth of her skirt and pressed her lips together, containing the tears that threatened to form in her eyes. She felt the need to reach out to him and cry—but for what? Relief that he’d remembered a day close to her heart and was willing to share with her? Or perhaps, sadness that he’d known all along and had never once said so until now—at this moment when things were so difficult and confusing between them?

Her father, Im Seunghyun, died on a Sunday – a cool autumn day in the middle of October, when the leaves on trees were all completely yellowed and falling. It was a peaceful death, hardly anyone expected it to happen that day – he was so full of life hours before, playing chess and chatting with Changmin while she read a book in the corner. Changmin’s parents had been out of town in a meeting with a congregation they (and her father) were members of and had decided to catch a late ride back home, leaving her with her father and her new husband on a beautiful day in their shared home. It was just three days after their honeymoon, and it had been (in all accounts) good. Her father was overjoyed particularly to know that they’d gone and see the theater at least once before coming back, and to Yoona – seeing her father smile for her marriage was simply the best gift she could ever truly give him. The thought helped her through her nervousness on the wedding day… and now even more right after.

That Sunday, while they were sitting around in the living room and listening to soft music being played on the radio – Mr. Im was smiling and joking, telling Changmin stories about when Yoona was little that often times she would look up to laugh and argue with her father for embarrassing her when she’d _“only just been married to him and he doesn’t know much about me yet”_. It was really a very beautiful day, with the sun’s light peeking through the curtains and shining into the carpet.

 _“You know… I do think I made the right decision.”_ Her father had said, placing a rook into one of Changmin’s opponent knights and grinned. Yoona watched him hold the wooden horse in his hands, taking note of the dry roughness she was sure was there in his palms and listened to him speak. He had such a nice voice; she’d always loved it and would listen to him to tell her stories for hours on end. _“Neither of you probably don’t know it yet since you’ve just been married but…”_ he trailed off, smiling at her and Changmin with his eyes, “ _I made the right choice. It won’t take long until both of you feel what I felt for your mother.”_

Yoona blushed at his words and playfully shushed him, pouting as she closed her book. _“Father, I think you need some air. We should take a walk a little later.”_

 _“Don’t be so shy, Yoona,”_ he told her, grinning still as he nodded here and there at her husband’s next chess move. Changmin had just overtaken his rook with another knight and said nothing, a small and faint smile etched on his lips. _“Changmin is a good man. He’s responsible and intelligent. A little quiet but he’s a gentleman. He’ll take care of you – I know it.”_ Mr. Im’s queen crossed the border and checked his king. _“Isn’t that right, Changmin?”_

She started, _“You can’t possibly give him such a huge respons—”_

But Changmin’s queen suddenly moved to remove her father’s queen out of place and defeated him in silence. Yoona could still remember the way Changmin had looked up from the game (slowly and determined, like a cat stalking its’ prey) and smiled at the old man (her father who had gone and laughed at his quick defeat) before turning back to look at her. His eyes catching hers in a trance almost, penetrating into her mind like he’d done in Paris…

 _“Of course, I will, sir. I’ll care for her for as long as I live.”_ Changmin said in his baritone and Yoona seemed to find difficulty in breathing. Her heart pounded in her ears as his eyes continued to bore into hers and her mind reeled. _Oh my. Did he really mean that? Did he—_

And then he grinned, his eyes slanting one way as he turned back to his game. Yoona felt like she’d just been thrown sideways in surprise.

 _“And you’ll love her?”_ Her father asked in an authoritative but teasing tone. She knew it was solely meant for her – given that they’d both probably noticed her young distress – and it annoyed her somewhat to think that her own father and her husband would actually think to tease her at a time like this! And exactly when she was still reeling from her thoughts on a whirlwind wedding with the son of a prominent family friend!

 _“Oh, honestly. If both of you are going to tease me, you might as well say so instead of dropping innuendoes like that!”_ Yoona stood up with a huff and turned to leave by stomping off without another word. She was barely out of earshot when she’d heard it – but it was faint, and to this day Yoona couldn’t be sure to know if it was real or not.

_“You will love her, won’t you, Changmin?”_

_“Sir… I already do.”—_ “You’re staring into space again, Yoona.”

Changmin’s voice drove her out of her reverie and she blinked, turning her head to wipe the tears in her eyes. The memory of her last day with her father was unusually so fresh in her mind that it had taken her by surprise.The soft clinking of his utensils on his plate was suddenly comforting, easing her confused emotions into a halt as she stood up without a word. She didn’t know what to say—she’d almost forgotten about that memory. How could she have forgotten?

 _Because I’d been going alone to visit Father for five years._ She thought, biting the inside of her cheek. Pushing her cup aside, she began to arrange her utensils on her plate. _He hadn’t been around for five long years, that’s why._

With one hand still fisted into her skirt, Yoona turned to leave. She stopped short just beyond the door, turning her head back just so to glance at her husband once again. Changmin was looking at her with an indescribable gaze, pulling her in and asking with his eyes – _What do you want me to do? What more do you want me to tell you?  – Oh._ She couldn’t bare it. She needed answers – those were what she needed… answers to the millions of questions rushing in her head. Unfortunately, Yoona knew he couldn’t tell her yet – he didn’t know how to begin. Not when she was pulling away from him like this; afraid and uncertain, angry.

(But he wasn’t stopping her. He was much to blame to this as she.)

“I might go later… tonight.” Yoona whispered to no one, her fist loosening its’ grip on her skirt. She could hear him shuffle as he stood up from his seat. His scent was clean and reaching, enveloping her into a comfortable haze… but then she took off to escape – to refuse any more of the memories he might evoke out of her mind. _Answers, I need answers._

Changmin watched her as she called for her maid and then rushed upstairs, the material of her skirt fluttering beneath her with each step. He closed his eyes and sighed, turning back to help clear out the table – and in turn, to clear out his head. He knew the answers to the questions she wanted to ask but—

 _Give me time, Yoona._ “I’ll wait for you there,” he said to himself.

_I’ll tell you everything—that is—if you’ll let me in._

               

* * *

 

She pulled her coat close to her body as she stepped into the lighted and busy streets of Mil-san. Despite the crowd of people pushing and pulling in a hurry, Yoona knew her way around as though the path was a common as the back of her palm. She knew every turn and every stop to these streets and why wouldn’t she? She had often played in them in her childhood, laughing and playing with her best friend with dolls and paper airplanes.

 _Ah._ Turn left on the next block to the corner house at the end of the street and she would finally be at her desired destination. The house where most of her happy childhood memories lay… the house where her best friend had lived and let her sleep over at when her father was away and her mother was ill…

“So this is it, huh?” Minho said, stepping next to her quietly. The road was noisy and busy, hardly anyone could hear the other without shouting but he knew it didn’t matter. He knew that Yoona barely noticed him close to her all the way down town but he’d expected as much when she had suddenly called him to meet. She was preoccupied and troubled – never a good combination – and he had wanted to help her, wanted to make her feel better and smile. Minho drew in a deep breath and snickered at his own naivety. Im Yoona may have given him a chance, but it was for friendship and nothing else. The smile he wanted to see from her was one that would shine with love… for a man, not a friend.

He glanced at her staring up silently at the front steps and thinking deeply – probably she was wondering why she had gone there in the first place if all she was going to do was stand motionlessly outside and not take a step closer. He didn’t know what was truly on her mind, and frankly – he didn’t have a clue on what was going on in his. Why had he gone with her to a place where she had a connection to her past when he could have just gone on and convinced her to go someplace else? Why did he allow himself to accompany her to where she’d mostly only think of the shady mystery that was her marriage and not of a would-be better future with him?

Why did he let her wander into the depths of her unresolved feelings for a husband who left her for years at a time? Minho wasn’t sure of the answers – but he knew that he had to help her. He had to, at least, start somewhere in order to reach her heart.

“Is this your friend’s house?”

“Yes. This is Choi Sooyoung’s home”, Yoona whispered back, wrapping her coat closer to her neck and sighing. The word friend felt strange in her mind now, seeing as she herself hadn’t seen Sooyoung since she’d written her off of her life. It was ironic, really, how she could be so stubborn for years and not realize that the only other person to know the truth would be the same person who broke her trust. Yoona would have known earlier of the truth if she’d just come earlier.

But love is painful… and her love for her friend tore her apart as much as when Changmin had left.

They were born a few months apart, in different households. Yoona was born into a wealthy family, while Sooyoung to their housekeeper. Her parents had cared for Sooyoung as much as they did Yoona and had put them together in school and everything and anything in between. They were practically sisters, attending the same classes and doing the same things. Sooyoung was louder though, while Yoona was more reserved. Her friend was bright and beautiful, while she was quiet and mysterious. They’d shared everything – books, friends, interests… and as it turned out – men as well. Or at least, in Yoona’s case: _a man_. The one she…

Yoona turned her head to look at her companion for a moment, feeling a little guilty at her audacity to drag along a person of non-interest into a part of her past. She could tell by the dim light in Minho’s eyes that he was not entirely willing to accompany her, but like he said – he, at least, wanted closure for her “ _in whatever form it could be”_. And so here they were – in a rough part of their town, seeking out a person Yoona wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to face.

_Five years is an awfully long time to be angry at someone who was probably just a fool like I am..._

But she had to know and she knew that it was high time to get the answers she deserved. And if she couldn’t get it from the person she wanted to hear them from the most – her husband, _the man she lov_ — then she might as well go to the next best thing: the accomplice, her former friend and sister. She hadn’t really thought about how it would go down in her head in great detail but perhaps this was a part of a closure she needed to bury.

To reconcile and reconnect with an old friend without expecting too much or too less… _maybe._ In all honesty, all she wanted from Choi Sooyoung was the truth – about that night and of the others and—

… But had it been real? Yoona bit her lip and looked down at her feet, thinking back to the words Changmin had spoken the night before. He’d said it loud and clear – _“There were no other women.”_ – and he’d spoken without hesitating. He’d always been known for his knack of pulling a straight face at a nerve-wrecking moment but that night when Minho had come by was not one of those times. Changmin had no reason to hide or lie to her. He was plaintively jealous, even she couldn’t ignore it.

However, how could that be? She saw them – holding each other fiercely with Changmin brushing her hair and Sooyoung clinging onto him – Yoona knew she saw what she saw and that the people she cared about most in the world… well, they had betrayed her. It was the first time Yoona had seen what the rumors back then had been saying all along, and it hurt more learning that it was her _friend_ and not just another woman. She remembered thinking, _Why Sooyoung? Why? Why? Why?_

Her heart broke twice for two people that day. One for herself, one for Choi Sooyoung. Since then she had refused to look back to their friendship—but now… Yoona cautiously stepped forward, one foot in front of the other and up the familiar stone steps. She raised her fist onto the door and lightly scraped the wood of it. The door was opened moments later by a toddler with bright eyes and sloft cheeks and a tall, lovely woman staring wide-eyed in shock.

“Yoo—Yoona!” She said, her tone cracking in both joy and sorrow. Her friend hadn’t changed – she was still so beautiful and elegant, even with the different standards to which she was living. And Yoona’s heart gave a soft lurch again, remembering how much she envied her friend for being beautiful effortlessly despite working day in and out… _You deserved so much better than this._

She looked at her for a moment and then at the boy in her arms, patting his head affectionately as she took a tentative step inside a home she used to love so very much.

“Hello, Sooyoung. It’s been a long time.”

 


	6. The Memories of Us

**_November 1943, Korea_ **

_“Minyoung-ah, has Sooyoung arrived yet? She promised she’d be here today to spend time with me and the baby.”_ Yoona spoke, her tone soft as she cradled her daughter in her arms. The baby cooed sleepily beneath her, burying her tiny face into her mother’s chest so snug it caused a ripple of love and joy to emanate within her. Oh, how sweet is her little Minah – her (and Changmin’s, she thought with a blush) own little bundle of light and joy.

She had had to literally kick her husband out of the house and go to work before she could even find the time to have her moment of peace and quiet alone after she gave birth – but although she playfully complained for her solitude, Yoona knew very well that she was utterly blessed for her lovely daughter’s birth.  As a child she had wished for a multitude of things, but more so for a complete family she didn’t have with her Changmin had been exceptionally attentive since that day; accompanying and watching over her and their child with a gentle hand and loving (she hoped, oh she hoped) look on his face.

It was as though her dreams had come true…

Family. Friends. Security… Love. Im Yoona had it all, finally.

She kissed the little child’s forehead softly and hummed under her breath, her eyes never leaving her baby’s soft skin as her maid entered the room and bowed to her apologetically. _“I’m sorry, Ma’am, but she hasn’t arrived yet. Should I call for her and ask?”_ Her maid said, a wrinkling crossing her forehead. Her maid, Minyoung, for as long as she had known her had always been the worrier between them but it was a trait that Yoona found endearing about her.

 _“It’s alright, Minyoung. I’m sure she’ll be here soon. You know how she is… always late,”_ The happy new mother said, nodding her head understanding. The smile perfectly etched onto her lips seemed permanent as she leaned back against her seat in content. Her fingers touched her daughter’s fingers as she slept soundly in her crib. There was hardly anything that could ruin her day at all… not even the constant lateness of her best friend could tarnish her pleasure.

Sure enough, minutes later Choi Sooyoung burst through the door, wrapping her into a hug while her mouth bustled with apologies and excited chatter. Her smile was wide across her face as she twirled her best friend around the room.

 _“Yoona! I’m so sorry, I’m late! I had to buy Mama some medicine but the medicine lady gave me a hard time chasing her across the market place.”_ She exclaimed, happily swaying her friend from side to side as she explained her tardiness. _“I’m telling you, Yoona – that Madam Seonah can really run!”_

 _“I’m sure you gave her a hard time too, Soo.”_ Yoona laughed as she hugged her best friend tightly before pulling away to sit back down and pat the spot beside her. Her daughter giggled during the commotion all the while, staring up at them as the two friends faced each other and grinned. Yoona wrinkled her nose and continued speaking, _“You could have just asked me to help you though… I don’t mind calling Madam Seonah for auntie’s medicine.”_

 _“Oh, and what fun would that be? I actually kind of like chasing her down the market place. It’s great exercise!”_ Sooyoung replied, flattening the hem of her dark blue skirt. She smiled as Yoona turned to her side for a moment, lifting her baby up into her arms as the child gurgled happily and reached for her face. Her heart warmed at the sight and she leaned her chin onto Yoona’s shoulder, making funny faces as Minah stared up at her and clapped her little hands.

Sooyoung had been worried for Yoona after her father’s sudden passing, especially knowing fully well how close they were. She had kept to herself for the first few days, staying in her room for long hours at a time and not saying a word. She knew her friend well enough to know that this was her way of coping with her sadness – by silence – and however unhealthy Sooyoung thought it was for her psyche, she didn’t bother to pull her out into the world.

Changmin, Yoona’s husband – much to Sooyoung’s pleasant surprise, had been the one to get through to her. After three full days of silence, her beautiful friend emerged from her solitude in tears – tucked under her husband’s embrace as she openly expressed her sadness under hushed whispers. It was heartwarming sight seeing her closest friend in the world give her heart to someone who was worth it. Yoona wasn’t the type of person to express her feelings explicitly, but her emotions flowed out nonetheless for him… for Changmin. Sooyoung was grateful for that… truly grateful.

 _“Have you two eaten? I had lunch before I left but now feel like having a bowl of kimchi stew and some prawns…”_ Sooyoung asked, picking up a piece of cut bread Yoona’s maids had brought out for her when she arrived. Her friend smiled serenely and nodded her head, tucking her long hair behind her ear as she spoke evenly, _“I already had lunch with Changmin before he left to answer an urgent telegram. We ate a lot, didn’t we, Minah?”_

The child gurgled happily in her crib and reached out to her mother, a lovely laugh bubbling out of her tiny body as she held out her small hands to the sky. Sooyoung couldn’t help but laugh at the sight, unconsciously touching her womb as Yoona picked her daughter up in her arms. She wondered vaguely if she should tell her secret, the one she’d been keeping from everyone since Kyuhyun had left to fight in the war in China. The secret they were planning to share once he’d come back… that is, if he’ll ever come back.

Lowering her gaze to the soft blue of her dress, she bit her lip as tears unknowingly welled up in her eyes. Sooyoung barely noticed the quiet in the room as her friend turned to her worriedly, rushing almost to her side as she let out soft cries.

 _“What’s wrong, Sooyoung?”_ Yoona whispered, brushing a hand past her friend’s cheek comfortingly. Her baby cooed in her arms, looking up at her aunt seriously as though she’d felt something was wrong. The touch of her soft baby skin fitting snug on her cheek made Sooyoung smile despite her tears and she let out a short laugh.

 _“I miss him, is all…”_ She said, brushing her tears away and catching Little Minah’s hand in between her fingers. The infant’s fingers wrapped around her index finger and squeezed, her big round eyes (just like her mother’s) curving and slanting one way (just like her father) in a smile. Sooyoung smiled back, her voice soft and filled with emotion. _“I miss Kyuhyun so much.”_

 _“He’ll be home soon,”_ Yoona reassured, laying her head onto her shoulder. She watched as her daughter seemed to calm her friend’s cries into even breaths, her little fingers wrapped protectively on an index finger, almost the very same way her own hands held her best friend close. She spoke again humorously, _“He said that he would make an honest woman out of you and I intend for him to keep that promise.”_

Sooyoung let out a more natural laugh this time. _“He said he’d marry me in the Church where my parents took their own vows.”_ She sighed wistfully, a fuller smile edging her lips. Brushing a kiss onto Minah’s temple, she returned the hug her friend provided her and thanked her under her breath. _“You’re right, Yoona. He will be back… he’s always kept his promise.”_

Yoona nodded her head, chuckling when Minah gave a laugh of her own and pulled back to kiss her friend on the cheek. Their eyes met warmly as they always did when they were children and they remembered their silent pact from years before: to be there for one another, no matter what or when. It was a promise they’d never ever break. Never.

_“Kyuhyun will be back.”_

_“And we’ll marry.”_ Sooyoung quipped with a grin.

She returned the smile _. “Yes, you will. You’ll be happy.”_

_“Like you and Changmin?”_

Yoona paused, her eyes softening at the words as they registered in her mind. Happy… yes, she was happy. She was happy with Changmin and their daughter. Very happy. Overjoyed in fact, loved. She studied the soft curves of her child’s face and the deepness of her dark eyes – eyes like her father’s – and smiled,

_“Yes. Very happy.”_

 

* * *

 

The tension in the air is as palatable as one would expect between two people who’d not seen each other for a long time. Even he, Choi Minho, felt it suffocating him in its embrace. Straining not to cast too many confused looks on either women seated across from each other, he stood motionlessly and decided to keep his gaze on a picture on the wall. They were bound to speak sooner or later, and it was not in his place to initiate anything. He was simply a witness, after all. He had no real business there except to watch for the woman who had so easily beguiled him.

Sooyoung was the first to speak up moments later, curving a soft smile onto her lips as she looked at Yoona with a sorrowful expression about her beautiful face. “You look very well, Yoona. I always told you that long hair suited you, remember?” she said in an almost whisper and striking Minho as somewhat odd as his first impression of the elegant lady was that she was a fighter and not timid.

“Yes… I remember,” Yoona replied, folding her hands in front of her and looking down at them for a moment. Her fingers trembled slightly before she stilled them fully, raising her head up once again to catch her friend’s gaze. She took note of how much more elegant Sooyoung looked now than before, with her hair swept up in a bun and her cheeks slightly blushed with life. She vaguely attributed these observations to the fact that the woman sitting across from her now was raising a boy (now playing quietly in between them, putting blocks up on top of another) and inwardly winced at the nagging suspicions that he might be Changmin’s.

She strained a smile onto her face, pursing her lips together. “I… I’m sorry I haven’t tried to contact you, Sooyoung.”

“It’s alright. Considering the circumstances you last found me in, I don’t think you would have wanted to see my face for awhile.” Sooyoung said with a wave of her hand. The smile didn’t falter, but the look she directed towards her made it difficult for Yoona to stay nonchalant.

With her hands fisting on her lap, she turned her head slightly and motioned at her companion standing stiffly behind her. Yoona had almost forgotten about Minho being there, and for a moment she felt ashamed of herself. “This is Choi Minho by the way. He’s new in town and Mother introduced us. He’s a new friend.” She explained, introducing him. Sooyoung nodded in response and shook his hand when Minho moved to offer it.

Sooyoung knew of him, of course. Although she’d not been able to make contact with Yoona for years, the rumor mill concerning her friend had never really died down. She heard stories of blind dates Mistress Shim sent her on, and the way she’d always seemed to refuse their advances. This young man, Choi Minho, was the most recent of the setups and was said to be considerably luckier than the rest. The rumors went on to say that he could very well be her friend’s new love, but she knew it was near impossible.

Yoona had said that she would only ever really loved one person in her life when she met _him_. And with that promise, Sooyoung knew that she always will.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Choi. I serve some of your workers at my family’s cantina and they seem to have high praises of you. I’m glad you’re getting along well around here.” She gracefully replied, her eyes crinkling into a smile. Minho likewise returned the grin back with one of his own.

“Thank you. It was difficult at the beginning but it’s definitely gotten better now since meeting Miss Yoona.” He said, nodding his head towards Yoona’s direction; to which she regarded with an embarrassed blush on her cheeks. Eyeing her from the corner of his vision, Minho continued with a smile. “I wouldn’t have liked it so much here if it weren’t for her to be honest.”

Sooyoung nodded, smiling. “I’m sure. Yoona is an energy pill. One smile and you’ll be good to go for the whole day.” She agreed with a much chipper tone, earning herself a faint smile from her (former? Had they stopped being friends, she wondered in her mind) friend. “I used to call her ability to make things brighter ‘Yoong-Energy’.” Sooyoung added, catching Yoona’s eye almost immediately at the mention of her old nickname with a smile. There was a hint of a smile too, etched on her friend’s lips – the simple act making her feel more at ease. _Somewhere, somehow, the Yoona I know is still there_ , she thought, biting her lip to keep from bursting into a happy shout.

“It was a silly title but eventually everyone in our class started using it too.” Yoona remarked, smiling a little at the memory. She and Sooyoung were in the same class back in primary school when her friend had coined the term. At first it had been embarrassing having classmates teasing her for having a superpower so to speak and calling her ‘Yoong-Energy’ every time things got too quiet; however, as time went on the teasing became more comfortable too. It was as if the power Sooyoung had told her she was true, that she did have an ability to make people smile. And Yoona had liked knowing this, even though she didn’t entirely believe it. It was one of her most precious childhood memories.

Her eyes strayed beyond Sooyoung and caught sight of a framed photograph behind her. She recognized it almost immediately despite the fogginess of the image. It was a picture her father had taken on their first day in secondary school. Sooyoung’s family had taken a hit financially that year and couldn’t afford sending their daughter further into her education when her father suddenly stepped up and offered to send her himself. Yoona remembered how her father had always remarked at how Sooyoung was like a second daughter to him and so he would take care of her as he took care of his own. It was that act he’d done that solidified their already tight bond to each other – they had become _sisters_.

 _But my sister betrayed me in the end_ , the scornful part of her mind taunted at her and Yoona’s smile faded. She fixed her gaze down to her hands and closed them into fists. The contemptuous thoughts continued to plague as she gauged her next move. _She took him from you before. She could do it again if you let her._

_Hell, Changmin could have been meeting with her all along whenever he’d been a little late for dinner! And why wouldn’t he? Sooyoung is prettier, nicer and more lady-like than you’ll ever be. He would have never left if you weren’t in the picture. They are better together. He doesn’t love—_

It was Minho’s voice that broke her out of her horrible thoughts and back into the real world. She blinked once in surprise of the wetness that fell on her hand; a solitary tear running along the course of her skin.

“Perhaps, I should leave you two alone while you talk?” he inquired, gazing at her with an expression Yoona could only describe as pity. She sent a half-hearted smile and nod in reply, turning her eyes back to Sooyoung who was doing the same. This was a conversation only for the two of them after all. They didn’t need anymore ears to hear what was to be said.

  
“That would probably be best,” Sooyoung said, nodding her head and patting her son’s shoulder. The boy stood up almost immediately, smiling wide as his mother turned him towards Minho. “Would you mind taking my son for awhile? Don’t worry, he doesn’t fuss.”

“I’d be honored, Miss Choi.” He gamely replied and gingerly took the little boy’s hand. They walked out of the living room in a quiet flourish, straying only for a moment by the door as Minho gave Yoona one last look. Sooyoung caught this and smiled to herself; knowing fully well that the rumors were true – that the latest man setup for the Lady Im was already falling hard. _Poor kid_ , she thought as she pursed her lips, _he probably already knows about Yoona and Changmin. He probably doesn’t even want to think about it._

“How—How are you?” The very moment the door closed, Yoona cleared her throat and opened the conversation in a soft and stammering manner. Her hands shook on her lap while her heart skittered inside her chest – she was afraid of what might come of this long overdue meeting now that it has officially started. She couldn’t quite entirely figure out if she even wanted to hear any of the answer that might arise.

Sooyoung smiled serenely from her seat in front of her and spoke calmly, her eyes earnest and understanding, “I’m doing well… but I know that small talk isn’t what you can here for, Yoona. You don’t have to pretend to want to know how I am.”

Yoona had to laugh at her statement and nodded her head ever so slowly. What she said was true after all – “No, I do really want to know… but you’re right – that’s not the main reason why I came here in the first place.” – She hadn’t come to exchange pleasantries, rather she’d come to find out the truth. With a resolute breath and a determined beat in her chest she spoke much clearer than before, “You must already know, yes? About Changmin returning from goodness knows where…”

“It’s a small town. Of course, I’ve heard about him finally being back.” Sooyoung replied, nodding her head and chuckling softly. Somehow the fair woman knew where this was headed (sensitive as the topic was) and she strained to hear the words come out of her friend’s lips. In her knowledge, there were only very few things that neither of them could speak of in their friendship and Yoona’s feelings for Changmin was one of them.

She sat silently watching her friend’s hands twist in her lap. Yoona looked as though she was physically ill while she pondered over her next question – as if she wasn’t sure of herself to ask for some of the truth she wanted to hear. Biting her pink lower lip, Yoona steeled herself before the weight (and comfort) of Sooyoung’s caring gaze. If she were to find out anything and put her fears to rest, then she had to be strong. At least for her sanity’s sake.

Her question came out louder, stronger than she’d expected. “Has he been here at all?”

 “Yoona.” Sooyoung’s eyes seemed to dim once the words were spoken, letting out a sigh of her name in disappointment. _Why should she be disappointed?_ Yoona wondered _,_ _I should be the one feeling that way._

“He hasn’t come by, Yoona. But he called once to ask what Jiyoung would like for his birthday.” She answered finally, earnestly by the tone of her voice. She sat up straighter in her chair and looked straight into her eyes – flashing a silent message to her with her dark orbs.  Her gaze chided at her as if saying that her questions were all ones that she could answer by herself without asking. As if the answer was obvious and right in front of her.

Yoona had an idea of what it was, but she continued her interrogation anyway. “Why?”

“Because my son’s birthday is next week and Changmin is his godfather…” Sooyoung replied easily, trailing off with a small smile. She waved a hand in the air as a soft look of surprise ran through her friend’s face and shrugged, “He hasn’t been christened yet, as I was hoping _you_ would agree to be his godmother. I can’t christen my son without one, you know.”

A smile worked its way up to her lips and Yoona found herself grinning at the thought. “Godmother?”

“Yes. Godmother.” Sooyoung repeated, smiling widely this time as she carefully stood up and made her way towards her. She spoke again just as Yoona made room for her on the couch – their hands tangled in a heap between them and warm – just like when they were children and sharing their secrets. “And before you find the courage to ask – the answer is no. Jiyoung is not Changmin’s.”

A blush came to fair friend’s cheeks when Sooyoung said this and she continued with a light pat on her head, “But you already figured as much, didn’t you?”

“I admit he doesn’t look much like Changmin.” Yoona replied, turning her head a little to look at the door where the child and Minho went through. She thought of how the child had lighter skin than what she had expected, rounder eyes and thinner lips. Jiyoung gave off an aura that was Sooyoung’s own, but also of someone else’s. And it wasn’t Changmin’s at all… at least, not the aura of his that she knew.

“Not the way Minah was like, right? With her eyes?” Sooyoung said softly, the weight of their hands holding reassuring her of the promise of their long friendship (though troubled and complicated for years) being reborn. The look on Yoona’s face told her that she wasn’t entirely convinced yet and instantly felt like she had to make it right immediately before anything got worse. It had been her mistake to not explain herself the first time those rumors broke, and it had taken a lot out of her to lose her best friend because of it. Sooyoung wasn’t about to make that mistake again; she wasn’t going to lose Yoona again.

“The rumors were untrue, Yoona. Changmin and I were never together.” She said finally, loudly for her to hear. Yoona looked at her in quiet surprise but said nothing, only listening. Sooyoung barreled on, squeezing their hands together once in hopes of reassuring her of the truth she was speaking of. “He didn’t want me. I don’t even think he even thought of me as anything but your sister and friend.”

Yoona opened her mouth to speak. “Then why—”

“You reacted the way any wife would in that situation. But I wasn’t myself that day and he was around to let me cry on his shoulder.” She cut her off, offering a sheepish smile. There had been a secret she was keeping during that time and couldn’t tell anyone about it. It was only convenient for Changmin to drop by that day when she was feeling low of herself and hurting.

 _It was only comfort_ , Sooyoung thought as she watched Yoona’s face go through emotions. She seemed so lost in her mind, thinking deeply. It was as if she were piecing things together, calculating them into bits that fit – the way she’d always done when they were children. Yoona was always so put together, so perfect though she never truly saw herself in the way. She had to smile as her friend finally looked up at her with understanding in her eyes.

_Yes, Yoona… You understand now, don’t you? Changmin was only being the kind of friend you are to me. Offering me comfort as a brother should to his sister. He is like a brother to me, Yoona, as you are like a sister._

Yoona felt like physically hitting herself on the head for being so blinded all these years. She was always so guarded with her feelings that when the time had come that she truly felt _more_ than she understood – for her marriage, her family, her _Changmin_ –  she reacted in a way that was not becoming of her. She’d been so consumed in her insecurities and the rumors that surrounded her that she failed to consider other explanations. “I acted like an insane jealous person, didn’t I?” she said, half-choking and half-chuckling, sudden tears brimming in her eyes as she squeezed their hands together. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know why it took me this long to confront you. I don’t—”

Sooyoung had tears in her eyes as well when she pulled her into a tight hug. “Don’t be sorry, Yoona. Part of it is my fault too!” she said, shaking her head. She leaned in and gave her a soft peck on the cheek and grinned, wiping their tears away. “I would have acted the same way if I were in your position. I wouldn’t have been so forgiven if it were the man I loved in another’s embrace.”

Yoona’s breath held at her words and Sooyoung hugged her again. “You don’t have to deny it, Yoona. I’ve always known even though you’ve never said it out loud. I know how much you loved him… I know how much you still do.”

“But what were you hiding from me, Sooyoung?” Yoona asked, pulling back from the hug and ignoring the last of her statement. Her heart thumped in her chest as Sooyoung’s cheeks reddened and she looked away, ashamed almost and touching her stomach.

The act was exactly like hers, trembling and unsure. Her mind flashed images in her head, memories of their past – of Sooyoung’s tardiness and her sudden stronger appetite; of finding her friend staying longer in a bath in mornings when she’d come to sleep over.

Suddenly, everything seemed to fit.

“You were pregnant with Jiyoung the whole time.” she said simply, amazed at the realization. When Sooyoung gave a feeble nod, her eyes widened in surprise and she clasped her hand to her mouth. At the time, she knew of only one man that Sooyoung had been seeing – but even then, Yoona couldn’t grasp how it would have happened. The man had gone to join the war months before her friend had developed any signs of morning sickness. It didn’t fit the time frame at all.

“But… how? Why did you hide this from me all this time?” she asked, clasping her hands onto hers again. Sooyoung looked pained, biting her lip and struggling to conjure a reply. Yoona continued on, hoping to have her questions answered. There were so many things she did not know, did not understand – and she wanted ( _needed_ ) them to be cleared. _Once and for all._ “I thought the worst of you because of this secret! You shouldn’t have to hide anything from me… I would have understood if you’d told me but… why?”

“Because he was the son of an insurgent, and that’s not really something you tell during afternoon tea.” A voice boomed from behind them and Yoona’s heart jumped from her chest at the familiarity of its tone. She turned her head slowly, taking in the image of a man standing a few feet behind – hair longer than she’d last seen but with eyes as sharp as she could remember, though weary by time past. She let out a gasp and stood up, looking to the man then to Sooyoung in confusion.

“K-Kyuhyun?” The name rolled out trembling from her lips in disbelief. It was as though she had come face to face with a ghost.

 _But you’re supposed to be dead._ Her thoughts swirled incoherently. _The telegram said that your body was never found…_

Cho Kyuhyun stood proudly from the door, offering her a smile that brought her back to days when the four of them (her, Changmin, Sooyoung and him) would take afternoon picnics on top of her favorite hill. A smile that brought her to the days when her best friend would gush and her husband would come to her aid whenever Kyuhyun teased too much. It was a smile that frightened and welcomed her at the same time.

And when Sooyoung stood up to plant a kiss on his lips, Yoona knew that there was more to Changmin’s disappearance than she could ever imagine.

She watched as Kyuhyun made his way towards her, patting her head in the same condescending way he’d always done when Changmin had introduced them. She felt relief in the familiarity of it and had to smile, even though her heart lurched in her chest and fell deep in bewilderment.

“It’s nice to see you again, Yoona.”

 

* * *

 

**_November 1943, Korea…_**

_“There’s something Sooyoung isn’t telling me, but I can’t figure out what it is.”_

Yoona spoke to Changmin through the bathroom door, making him chuckle at her as he peeled his shirt off and stretched for bed. It had been a very long day and there were too many things going on around him that he couldn’t quite handle at that moment. All he really wanted to do now was to sleep with his wife in his arms. He would think about his troubles tomorrow, out of reach of where Yoona would find them.

 _“Have you tried asking her?”_ he asked, stretching his arm back to unwind it. The knot was still there, pushing at his muscles and he winced.

 _“Well… no, I haven’t but shouldn’t she feel safe enough to tell me? I am her best friend after all.”_ She replied moments later, emerging from the bathroom with her hair flowing free from her bun and past her shoulders.

Changmin thought she looked beautiful in this state, with her hair in disarray as she walked towards her vanity and arranged her things. You’re always beautiful; he thought this but had never said it. He doesn’t quite think he’d ever find the courage to do so.

Watching her from his seat, he replied earnestly, _“Yoona, not everyone is as open as you. Give her time. I’m sure she’ll come around.”_

 _“I’m just not used to her keeping secrets from me, that’s all.”_ She said, turning her head to catch him staring at her. Yoona felt a blush creep into her face as her eyes lingered over him and his state of undress; trailing down the lean muscles on his shoulders, chest and abdomen. She bit her lip when he smirked at her and she rolled her eyes, standing up to walk towards him.

They were married for almost a year now, and by all definitions it was going better than she expected. He had so much respect for her, so much care. It was difficult not to feel the same way… or more. And Yoona did feel more. More than she could ever admit to herself, or much less him.

She planted herself behind him and reached over to massage his tense shoulders, squeezing to relieve the knot he couldn’t untangle by himself. He relaxed under her touch, closing his eyes and sighing in content as she worked the troubles away from his tired body.

Yoona had to smile at the movement and stilled for a moment to wrap her arms over his shoulders. She was clumsy, shaking a little when she did so but if Changmin had noticed, he didn’t let on.

 _“Changmin?”_ she whispered uncertainly, her hands over his chest.

_“Hmm?”_

_“Do you keep secrets from me?”_

Changmin’s eyes opened at the question and he turned his head slightly to look at her. Her eyes spoke in volumes with words that she couldn’t say as they stared back at him. He lifted his hand up to her face and brushed her cheek.

_“No, I don’t.”_

She seemed to disbelieve his words and shook her head, pulling back from him. _“I’m serious.”_

He stopped her just before she disentangled herself from him and pulled her into his lap, causing her to squeak in surprise and burn red under his gaze. _“So am I,”_ he affirmed, smiling down at her _. “I’ve told you everything about me one way or another.”_

 _“Told me? You hardly ever talk to me at all.”_ Yoona replied, raising an eyebrow at him. Though embarrassed, she made no show of it as she rolled her eyes at him again and he chuckled down at her.

They stayed like this for a while, looking at each other – her hand pressed against his heart, and his arms around her waist before Changmin slowly leaned in to coax a kiss onto her lips. She obliged in a manner that still surprised her at times, opening her mouth to receive his softly. It wasn’t an uncommon thought for a man to kiss his wife, but it surprised her nonetheless every time he did.

She was supposed to be the one to feel more.

Wasn’t that the way marriages such as theirs were supposed to go? That only one of the two truly felt for the other?

Her breath was shallow when he finally pulled away, her cheeks pink with warmth and her body in light shivers. He seemed unperturbed by her slight reactions and only held her once more, his heart beating in a rhythm she could hardly recognize as he spoke again:

_“Speech isn’t the only form of communication, darling.”_

 

* * *

 

Alone in the dark, her feet led her silently onto a clearing that she knew all too well. The moon cast down light around as she traveled unaccompanied, carrying flowers in her hands. There was a light up ahead, to where she was she headed and Yoona felt… relieved. She knew who she was going to find there… and for once, she didn’t feel like running away.

“You’re here.” She said upon reaching her destination, looking down at the man sitting comfortably in front of a stone tablet and playing chess. Her fingers touched the cool surface of the granite, tracing the name etched on it before settling the flowers down to the ground and herself into a seat beside the man in front of it.

Changmin looked at her with a slight grin in his eyes and shrugged. “Yes. I told you I would drop by.” He said, pushing a chess piece towards a block. Moments later, he wordlessly pushed another (an opponent’s piece) towards his first one and took it out as she watched.

“I spoke to Sooyoung. Finally.”

Another pawn was sacrificed as he played on by himself and she watched beside him.

“That’s good to know.”

Her hand reached out to touch his when he started to move again and he stopped under its weight. She trembled the way he (dreamed) remembered and it comforted him somewhat; it warmed his soul that was desperately trying to reach her. _His freedom_. She spoke softly, barely a whisper. “Why didn’t you tell me, Changmin?”

He bit back a chuckle and shrugged his shoulder. “About Sooyoung? Or about Kyuhyun?” He asked bitterly, though he didn’t mean to sound that way. Yoona recoiled a bit from him and he immediately felt sorry. “I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m sorry.”

She shook her head, pulled her hand back and watched him resume his play. “He liked you a lot,” she began, smiling a little as the crickets’ cries rang in the distance. It reminded her of nights looking at stars with her father, counting the twinkling lights until she fell asleep. “My father always said you were the best decision he’s ever made for me.”

Changmin nodded, laughing to himself. “Your father’s always been too nice to me, I think. He always said the most inappropriate things as well whenever you left us alone together. But I do miss our chess games.”

He pushed his bishop in front of the opposing queen.

And watched as Yoona took it and pushed the queen forward.

She finished the game for him, smiling as he lifted his eyes towards her and she arranged the pieces once again. “And I miss watching both of you play.”

Changmin’s lips softened into a smile when she finally looked back at him, her eyes shining in a way that spoke to him. In a way that told him that she understood, at least, a little of his mystery and would wait for him to tell her until she was truly ready.

“Would you like to play?” he asked and she nodded, starting the game almost immediately with her white pawn piece taking two steps forward. They played silently under the crickets’ careful music, fingers lightly touching here and there until—

Her rook stepped forward to rid him of his bishop, her voice hushed and choked (“I… I missed you, Changmin.”).

That was _all_ it took.

The chess pieces lay forgotten after that as he held her in silence, breathing her in as he planted a kiss on her forehead. She allowed him to do this for as much as she could, taking the warmth of him in and touching his heart the way she remembered she would.

Nothing was quiet right yet, but the moment was there and he, she, _they_ had to take it.

Their troubles could wait till tomorrow.

_Tomorrow._

 


	7. These Secrets We Keep

Wakefulness came to her as a warm soft breath brushed against her hand (which was wrapped in another’s), fluttering her insides as Yoona finally opened her blurry eyes to the morning light. She squinted as the sun’s rays glared at her vision, silhouetting a face she knew she dreamed about for years and was finally there – in the flesh – and sleeping beside her.

She did not sit up in surprise or scream in shock as she’d always imagined she’d do if a foreign man was ever to climb into her bed, but Changmin was not a stranger. He was her husband and Yoona supposed she hadn’t felt this comfortable around him since he’d come home. Most likely because there were too many things she didn’t know; too many hurts she’d kept hidden for years, though at least half were finally relieved the night before.

Half of the truths she had longed for had been revealed, and it was surely only a matter of time till she knew of it’s entirety.

And perhaps then, once she knew and understood everything… maybe then, she’d finally be ready to start over with him again. _Maybe._

Yoona let out a soft sigh as she lightly rubbed fingers against his fingers laced between hers. Her heart felt so full at that moment – filled with mixed emotions of guilt, relief, hope and – _by God, what was the use of pretending she hadn’t felt it in the longest of times_ – love? She stopped herself from making a strangled sound and took a deep breath instead. Reaching over to brush the curl on top of his forehead, she wondered just how much longer it would take for everything to fall into place. When would she be able to look at him and not see the years of his absence and negligence? Although it wasn’t entirely his fault (it was partially hers as well, but she’d admitted that to herself), Yoona wasn’t about to give up on knowing all of his secrets.

She deserved the truth, didn’t she?

The vows were clear after all (‘ _for richer or for poorer; till death do us part_ ’).

Yoona shook her head at her silliness and started to move away only to stop as fingers tugged hers securely in its’ place. Changmin’s eyes opened and looked at her dead-on. His touch warmed her skin instantly and she pulled back slightly in embarrassment.

“Good morning.” Changmin said, lacing his fingers through hers as he looked at her with sleepy eyes. His gaze held her just as his warmth fluttered against her skin, inflaming her senses. She breathed him in, marveling at the spicy scent of him and bit her lip to keep herself from giving in and burying herself in his arms.

It scared her how much she felt for him. How much she loved him, but couldn’t trust him to know her heart.

“I’m… not ready to trust you again.” Yoona whispered, pulling her hand away from his touch. She sat as far away as she could, but not too far as to lose the comfort of his scent. Changmin nodded solemnly, pulling himself off the mattress to sit up as well. His gaze directed at her as she played with her fingers nervously.

She continued, braving a chance to steady her eyes with his. A warmth rushed through her as their gazes tilted towards each other, pulling them unconsciously closer to one another. Their eyes never wavered as she spoke, even as he leaned towards her inch by inch. “I don’t think I’ll be able to give it to you freely. My trust, I mean.”

“Then I’ll take it one step at a time. Slowly, until you accept me again.” Changmin said seriously, palming the curve of her cheek delicately. Her breath caught as he inched even closer, bringing his lips towards her.

It was barely a touch, but when their lips met it was almost like the first kiss they’d shared on their wedding day. Tentative and nervous, Yoona couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh against his skin in surrender. And when his hands brought her down and back onto the bed, she knew resisting would pointless. There was nothing she could do. No matter how much she wanted to fight it, her heart ached for him all the more.

And so they exchanged gentle kisses under the morning light streaming through their half-curtained windows. Changmin gave her space in an effort to keep his promise to be patient, only touching her softly if Yoona reached out to touch him first. Which she did, shyly, placing her free hands against his jaw as their lips met again and again and—

A loud knock on the door shook them out of their reverie, awakening their rational minds back into reality. Yoona shot up suddenly, blushing furiously as her maid’s head poked through the open door. Her words were slightly muffled, but both Changmin and Yoona could tell that the young maid had not expected to see either of them in bed together after all of the hostility she thought her mistress still had for the master of the house.

“I’m sorry to intrude, but… there’s someone here to see you, Master.”

Yoona’s eyes widened at the words, turning her head curiously at Changmin who had sat up as well. He shrugged at her direction, sliding off of the mattress to face the help by the door. “I don’t feel like seeing anyone but my wife today, Minyoung. Would you mind telling that person to come another day?” he said patiently, crossing his arms across his chest.

The young maid, Minyoung, shook her head and pursed her lips in uncertainty as she lowered her gazw. “I wouldn’t mind, Sir, but she said it was urgent that you speak with her right away.”

“ _She_?” Yoona echoed loudly, slipping off of the bed as well to walk towards the door. She stopped just beside Changmin’s suddenly tense form, her brow wrinkling in dread and suspicion as her husband let out a defeated sigh under his breath.

Alarmed, she faced her maid and asked—though she immediately regretted the very second the words slipped out. “Who is it?”

“She says her name is Song Qian. And that she’s come to take the Master home.”

 

* * *

 

Victoria Song stayed for much longer than she had told them. And at the sixth day of her stay, it had begun to become clear to Yoona that Miss Song was not about to leave without taking something (or rather _someone_ ) along with her. And in those days she stayed in their home, things failed to progress the way Yoona had hoped they would since that morning in their— _her_ —bed.

Victoria introduced herself with so much fervor, latching her arms around Changmin’s neck to hug him, that it was hard for her to feel completely at ease in her presence. Yoona felt uncomfortable in her display of affection, and even more so when the vibrant woman insisted on ‘being her friend’ thus showering her with the same attention as well.

Although it had become plain to see for Yoona to realize that the attention Victoria gave her was little more than out of politeness; whereas her attention to Changmin shifted towards the more… romantic side. The knowledge shook her to the very core, causing her to feel even more insecure and suspicious than ever before. The knowledge made her feel completely out of place, wanting to corner them and reveal the truth—but she couldn’t. Not without embarrassing herself eternally and not without the bravery she seemed to lose with every smile the two shared every day.

Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she stood back, hidden behind a wall as the two ‘friends’ walked to and fro through the family’s library. Yoona hated the feeling of jealousy bubbling in her heart as she listened to them laugh and speak in Chinese casually, effectively shutting her out of their conversation even without knowing she were there. _How did he learn to speak Chinese so well?_ She thought miserably, placing her hand over her heart as the two laughed again at some inside joke Victoria said. _Did she teach him while he stayed with her family in China? Just how close were they?_

Jealousy drove a stake through her heart at every giggle and thoughtful sigh Victoria threw her husband’s way. It was too easy to feel inferior around the beautiful Chinese woman. Victoria Song was extremely beautiful; with eyes that shined bright with life and with curves that filled out in all the right places. Any man would have wanted her if they’d ever laid eyes on her, and if Changmin were any other man, Yoona feared that he did too.

And why wouldn’t he? Victoria obviously wanted him. Wasn’t it just proper to feel the same way?

Another round of laughter brought her out of her swirling haze of insecurities and Yoona leaned back against the wall. They were speaking in Korean now, much to her surprise. Victoria’s accent was thick but understandable, twisting another stake into her heart as an image of Changmin teaching her their language alone at night popped into her head. She held her breath as Victoria sighed happily into the window seat she loved so much and listened as quietly as she could.

“Ah, this place is even more gorgeous than you described, Changmin. Your house is so beautiful.” Victoria said, her lilting voice echoing through the room. Yoona braved a glance into the room and saw that Changmin only stood near the bookcase, nodding his head in response.

“Thank you, Qian,” he said, smiling as he inspected a book. Yoona pulled back against the wall just as he tilted his head towards the open door and bit her lip as he continued to converse with the lovely Chinese, “How is your father? I’m surprised you had it in you to leave him during peak season.”

Victoria laughed melodiously. Yoona could almost “The old man can take care of himself for a while. Besides, Hangeng is there to help him in the fields. Things will be fine.”

“That’s good to know.” Changmin replied in good nature, echoing her laughter with his own—a welcome sound to his wife’s ear hiding quietly behind a wall. Yoona smiled at the low rumble of his chuckle and sighed to herself as he spoke again. “I’ve been quite busy here with the fields as well, though admittedly I’m only doing the labor because I refuse to admit that my wife is much better at handling the paperwork than I—”

“I missed you, Changmin.”

The confession was hushed, fervent—and it broke her heart into a million pieces when all Changmin could muster as a response was silence.

 _Shouldn’t you be rebuking her words, Changmin?_ She screamed in her head, gripping her blouse unconsciously as time ticked on without a word from him. _You said you’d win back my trust… you said that I was the only_ one _. Why aren’t you turning her away?_

His continued silence trashed her thoughts, breaking her quiet resolve to stay away. She couldn’t take being in the same vicinity anymore. She didn’t want to be near any longer. She had to get out as soon as possible.

“I’ll be going out today. I thought I’d make up for lost time with Jiyoung now that Sooyoung and I are friends again.” Yoona announced suddenly, surprising the pair out of their silent staring as she stomped loudly into the room. She wrapped a scarf around her neck as she stepped towards them – her expression indifferent, her eyes guarded.

Changmin turned to her in curiously, reaching out to touch her chin—only to be shunned away as she turned her head from him. His hand recoiled while Yoona continued to fix her willowy scarf around her neck, her chin trembling almost as she fought to keep her emotions in control.

“Would you like me to accompany you?” He asked, stepping close. Changmin turned towards his to meet her eyes, burying her into his gaze in the hopes of finding—what? Understanding? Forgiveness? _Love_?

His hand turned to cup her cheek, warming her skin and for a split second, Yoona saw Victoria turn her eyes away in sadness. Foolish pride flushed through her heart but she fought the sick feeling away, slipping her skin away from his touch before turning to the door.

“No—Minho is outside right now waiting for me.” It was a lie, she had not arranged to meet with Minho that day but a part of her wanted him to hurt. To be angry. _Anything_.

“Minho?” Changmin echoed, his brow furrowing at her. A flicker of emotion flashed through his eyes before settling into a familiar dark haze that she could only identify as jealousy. Throughout the days of Victoria’s stay, Yoona had made it a point to leave the house everyday—citing Minho as an excuse—and his reaction was the same as with every other day. His form hardened as he straightened his posture, his jaw clenched as though fighting back a bark of anger from flitting out of his lips. He took another controlled step towards her.

“Yoona,” he said her name with a hardened tone. Her heart trembled at the smoothness of his voice but she held herself firm in her stance, her one hand gripping the door frame and her feet poised to leave.

“I’ll be home tonight. Don’t wait up.” Yoona said easily, turning her head away only to stop when Changmin’s arm suddenly pulled her by waist and onto him. He breathed into her ear, holding her close as her own breath hollowed at his proximity. He held her, uncaring of the audience watching them with lowered eyes, and whispered,

“Yoona…”

_Don’t speak to me this way. Don’t make me feel as if you care. I don’t know you at all._

“I’ll be home tonight, Changmin.” She said firmly, pulling his arm away. It went back around her waist to stop her and she sighed aloud as she pulled from him. “I’m sure you can find something to do while I’m gone.”

“We’re only friends. It’s not what you think.” He said with a sigh as she stepped out of the door. The tone in his voice made her stop and she turned back to look at him with her real emotions ( _hurt, betrayal, confusion, love_ ) shining in her eyes.

“Is it just friendship?” she asked, challenging him to tell her the truth—though a big part of her wanted to hear none of it. She didn’t want to know how close they were or how special a ‘friend’ Victoria was… she didn’t want to know.

Changmin swallowed, clenching his fists at his sides. “Yoona…”

The way he held himself back hurt her even more and she shook her head, turning once again. She would have call Minho to meet her someplace—she couldn’t possibly be alone right now.

“I have to go.”

The door slammed in her wake as Yoona trekked along a path towards the one place she felt safe to stay.

 


	8. Do you Love Her?

“You must truly love her.”

The statement, once uttered from her lips, dragged a weight down on the air between them. Victoria was relieved her voice did not waiver, though she knew the man staring out into the window across from her might have already picked up on her anxiety over the message of her words. Her fingers flexed and curled inwards as she crossed the threshold, planting herself beside the window – a hair’s breath away from Changmin’s still form.

Yoona had left merely an hour ago and they’d been quiet in the time of her absence. She could feel a terse aura radiating from him—a result of the brief exchange he shared with his wife. Victoria saw the way Yoona’s body had eased into Changmin’s grasp around her waist and the way their exchange of gazes spoke more about themselves than their words could ever do for them.

It was romantic really, if she thought about it from a different standpoint. She turned her head to look at him once more and sighed. _Enviable, really. If only she didn’t…_

She stopped her thoughts there, deciding to focus on whether to continue speaking and fill the quiet air or to simply wait. But if she understood him well at all, Victoria knew that it was always best to be patient and wait till he organized his thoughts. Patience was one of her best virtues and for Changmin, she was willing to wait for as long as possible.

He knew this, of course. It was too painfully obvious not to be noticed. But then Changmin, ever the avoider, would rather not speak of her feelings in any way, shape or form. And it is, Victoria thought, hurt most.

“You say this as though it’s a surprise.” He said, the lack of irony in his tone practically ringing in her ears—mocking her somehow because it really was a surprise. At least, it was for her. She’d never seen him so close to the edge of breaking before at Yoona’s nonchalant mention of another man’s name; though admittedly she understood why it would set him in an anxious state.

Victoria found herself in a similar mood whenever she came across Yoona this past week. She was just a lot better at hiding it.

However at the moment, she was frightfully aware of how close she was to losing her calm.

Her reply sounded much for frantic than she wanted it to be. “In a manner, it is. I always thought you were rather unfeeling. _Cold_ , even!”

“She is my wife,” he told her a beat later, in a matter-of-factly tone. His eyes were set straight forward, on the horizon miles away of his view from the window.

 _She is my wife._ The words replayed in his mind, resolute and true, and Changmin felt his heart fill with emotion as the sudden image of Yoona on their wedding day filled his thoughts. The morning after she visited Sooyoung for the first time had painted her in his eyes a comparable way; with her gaze focused on only him and her skin glowed under the streaming light from the windows. When she’d allowed her lips to be touched by his that morning, it was even better than anything he’d imagined during the years they were apart.

_Her kiss had felt like home._

“That holds a bit warmth, don’t you think? I married her because I loved her. _Passionately._ ” Changmin paused, his mouth quirking upwards in a slight smirk. “I’m certain I had established this fact to you before I left China, Qian.”

Victoria shrugged absentmindedly, ignoring the swat of pain piercing her heart. She’d heard him tell her this before, and while she’d never truly thought much about it, the words still left her feeling curiously hurt. Actually seeing the affection Changmin held for his wife – quiet as it was – surprised (and hurt) her more than she fathomed she’d feel.

She’d watched them over the days she spent in the Shim Estate, tiptoeing around each other over every little thing. Admittedly Victoria had kept them away from each other by putting herself in between, but it didn’t stop the lingering looks, smiles, touches they exchanged. Not even the poorly concealed envy in Yoona’s eyes could hide the love she felt for Changmin and his jealousy for that man, Minho, in turn didn’t hinder the love echoing in this tone when he tried to stop her from leaving earlier that day.

“You did explain it to me, but I didn’t quite believe it then. I’m heartbroken to see that you were telling the truth.” She pursed her lips, eyeing him. “I don’t know about ‘ _passionately_ ’ though.”

Changmin turned to her almost immediately, his eyes flashing in a way that told her she’d said something wrong. And perhaps she did, but Victoria never regretted any of the words that came out of her mouth.

“Why would I lie about how I love my wife, Qian?” he asked simply, his gaze fierce. She shrugged again in an effort to appear indifferent, her fingers twisting together anxiously behind her. She held his gaze and spoke as evenly as she could muster, responding to his brusque question.

“I suppose it’s because you left on your own and never once contacted her… Forgive me. I thought ‘passion’ meant never wanting to be away from the person you love. Even with the heartbreaks and trials surrounding them. Perhaps I thought wrong, I’m sorry.”

Victoria was not in the least bit sorry, and he knew this very well. But instead of responding rashly, Changmin let out a sigh and a short nod. It was pointless to argue over something the other would not understand—or accept in this case. He decided he would rather avoid making a derisive retort than to make the issue bigger than it was. His personal life was none of Victoria’s (or anyone’s) concern. It was his own

Shrugging his shoulders apathetically, he turned back to the window before responding.

“It’s alright. You make a fair point.”

And it _was_. Her next question surprised him though.

“Does she love you though?”

“What do you mean?”

Victoria took a deep breath and spoke again, her heart thrumming hard against her chest as he met her eyes once again—dead-on and suspicious. His posture notably stiffened at her words; and while the motion made her anxious, it also filled her chest with a traitorous hope that perhaps Yoona did _not_.

“Does she love you as a wife should? As a _woman_? Does she love you like I do?” She emphasized the last few words especially, her eyes shining as Changmin’s widened by fraction before dimming back into a quiet understanding. It mirrored pity in a lot of ways but she decided not to let herself think that.

Steeling her resolve she continued, flightily—“Because I rather think she doesn’t.”

“Victoria.” Changmin’s jaw tensed as he spoke, warning her to forego what it was she was implying. “I think it’s time you get some rest.”

Victoria held her ground in spite of his warning glare and smirked at him, her fingers curling into fists at her sides as she retorted. The use of her real name was gone, and while it hurt, she could not back down. “Does that abrupt tone of yours mean that I’m hitting a nerve?”

Changmin scowled at her, turning his head to keep from showing his disdain over this turn of events. He had no plans of getting into a fight with her today—or _ever_ , to be honest—but it seemed like Victoria was deliberately egging him on. It was a hard question to answer, and despite himself he had to admit that her questions did hit a painful nerve in his chest. The three words had eluded them for years; even then in their first year of marriage when he allowed himself to believe they’d said them through their actions.

Yoona cared about him, didn’t he? She’d let him in her all those years ago. She had let him hold her and kiss her. She had taken his name and had given birth to their daughter. She loved him—even though she’d never said it. Changmin still believed she did— _and does, hopefully_.

His tone is softer when he finally replied, the admonition wilting as he turned back to the window. The day slowly darkened as the sun set, painting the sky in a muted orange he knew Yoona liked. He thought again of the smile she gave him on the morning he promised her he’d win her trust back. He thought of her hand cupping his cheek tentatively as he’d lowered his lips onto hers.

He thought of their kisses and his belief only strengthened.

“She does. I know it.”

Victoria watched as a range of emotions flitted across Changmin’s face. Clear annoyance was first, probably because of the choice words she threw his way—then came worry as he fell away silent, remembering something she did not know. Fear crossed his features for a moment as well, as though he’d realized his mistake but then it was replaced almost immediately by a look that she could only attribute to hope… and she knew.

She knew but she was damned going to fight for what she felt for him anyway.

“But what if she doesn’t?!” Victoria countered louder than before. It was an attempt to make him really look at her and it worked wonders as his incredulous gaze immediately darted to where she was. “She’s been keeping company with that Minho person for quite an amount of time since I arrived here. What if you found out that she loved him? Would you still stay even after knowing that?”

“Yes.”

“Why?!”

“Because I love her.” Changmin said, his tone even but resolute. He ran a hand over his hair and sighed in frustration, looking at Victoria in a mix of disbelief and pity. The volume of his voice steadily rose as he turned and stepped away from her—separating himself from her as though her inquiries stifled him in the worst way. “Is that not reason enough for you? Yoona is _my_ wife. And until she decides that she doesn’t want to be _mine_ anymore – I will stay by her side no matter what.”

Victoria’s heart lurched at his words, the pain cutting through her insides as she struggled to keep tears from falling from her eyes. She could hear a slight shuffle coming from the door and it informed her (and him) that there were people listening in. _Let them hear!_ She thought, barreling closer until she stood inches away from him. The tears were flowing now and her hands latched onto the lapels of his jacket. She didn’t care if this was proper. She loved him. And it was all too clear to her that Yoona didn’t love him enough.

Surely he could love her too. If only he’d let her. _If only—_

“Then will you tell her that you everything? About us and China?”

Changmin pried her hands off of his jacket and let out another frustrated sigh. He held her by the wrists, imploring her to push no further. “You know better than to allude to such a thing.”

“There could be something if you’d just give me a cha—”

“That is exactly what I want, Victoria. I want a _chance_ as well.” He said, dropping her wrists to place his hands over her forearms. She was breaking in front of him, slowly but surely. Pieces of her heart were already splintered into his palm, reminding him of the sacrifices she made for him during his too-long stay in China.

Victoria was a stubborn girl. He came to know this well about her in the months he spent with her family. They’d become friends and confidants. They trusted each other but she felt more for him than he did for her. Changmin knew he should have told her all of this right from the start but the idea of losing her friendship had stopped him at the time. He still didn’t want to lose the friendship but he had to set her straight. Once and for all.

“I care about you, Qian, but there’s only so much space for one person in my heart. And it can never be you.” Her tears steadily streamed down her face as he held her at arms’ length and confessed, her head lowering as the words pushed through her thoughts fully:

“I _want_ a chance, but I _need_ it with Yoona.”

Changmin wiped a tear off her trembling cheek before pulling her into a heartfelt hug where she finally broke down in shaking sobs. It took a while before Victoria finally calmed down and pushed herself off from his embrace. Her legs trembled slightly at the emotional distress her tears wracked into her limbs but she held strong, planting her feet firmly on the ground.

When she spoke, wiping her hands against her cheeks, the statement was no longer held disbelief. _Only truth._

“You really do love her.”

“Yes.” Changmin nodded, smiling a little as Victoria’s own lips lifted.

“I’m sorry if I offended you, Changmin. I didn’t mean to disappoint you with…” she trailed off, gesturing to her red-rimmed eyes and wet cheeks, “all of this.”

He shook his head, patting her crown softly in reassurance—the gesture only meaning to tell her that he still trusted her, that he was still her friend and she was still his _Qian_.

“Don’t be sorry. Actually, I disappoint myself.” Changmin told her, sighing. “If I hadn’t left, perhaps the relationship Yoona and I have today would be better.”

Victoria let out a snort. She looked up at him with a sad sort of smile. “Somehow I doubt it.”

Changmin returned her sad smile, his mind suddenly filling with images of _small doe eyes no longer opening, bundled up in soft sheets as Yoona’s heartbreaking sobs consumed the air and he could do nothing to comfort her._

There were still so much left unsaid.

“Sometimes… so do I.”

 


	9. We are No Good for Each Other

Yoona’s hands gripped the fabric of her skirt tightly as she listened to Kyuhyun’s recollection of the last five years. It had taken both her and Sooyoung’s time to coax the man to speak to her about the past, but once he’d relented—his stories took hold of her attention and refused to let go.

She hadn’t thought that the circumstances of her friend’s enlistment into armed force had come with a price—one that had destroyed his name and had also almost taken his life if not for her husband’s efforts. Efforts she hadn’t known were being done whilst she fell into despair in his absence.

With her knuckles shaking ever so slightly in her lap, Yoona slowly lifted her head to meet Kyuhyun’s sorrowful gaze. He had recounted his tale quite animatedly; speaking of frightful people and events she didn’t dare want to know or re-live. He spoke of the lieutenant he had served under—a corrupt man and an insurgent who had framed Kyuhyun of his own dastardly crimes—and then of the troubles he had to face while on the run from his own platoon’s wrath and the Japanese militia…

She had feared for him while he spoke of events that had already passed. And even more so for her own husband’s involvement in his best friend’s escape. There was so much she didn’t know nor understand—it frightened her that she might never truly stomach everything that would be said that day.

“Changmin was able to get me back home in a cargo ship,” Kyuhyun began after a long pause, taking a long swig from the drink Sooyoung set out for them in the living room. They were huddled in front of a roaring fire; Kyuhyun on one side with a grim expression and Yoona at the other, gripping the fabric of her flowing skirt. Sooyoung sat in between them, patting her friend on the shoulder—unbearably quiet throughout Kyuhyun’s storytelling. Yoona couldn’t possibly listen anymore, couldn’t possibly want to stay for longer to hear about what her husband did or did not do—but she had to, needed to.

“He didn’t come home though…”

“No, of course not. _Obviously_.”

Yoona nodded at this and waited as Kyuhyun heaved a heavy sigh.

“He said he promised the family that helped him with the arrangements that he would get their harvests up by 10% before the year was through. Changmin told us that at most it would only take him a month or two to organize everything before coming back here, but obviously that didn’t happen. He used up all the money he brought with him in case of anything to help the family… and eventually had to work more to earn everything back.”

“Sooyoung tried to explain it to you at the time…” he trailed off, catching Yoona’s gaze with his. She looked back steadily, unflinching as he continued—his tone more or less accusatory than it should have been. “The family had just reported him missing then but when she came to tell you what happened, you were so distraught and angry that you shut everyone out completely. I couldn’t come out of hiding and show myself to you just yet to explain everything and eventually once Changmin learned about this, he told us not push you any further…”

“He told us that we should worry about ourselves and try to live normally. He said that he’d find a way to come back and make it right between all of us, so we left town for awhile to rebuild our lives.”

Sooyoung continued for her husband from then on, clasping Yoona’s hand in between hers. She was trembling slightly as she listened to the words spoken to her, unsure of it all but calm at the same time. Yoona didn’t want to seem weak—she couldn’t afford to be viewed like that anymore.

And even though she felt like fainting from all that she was learning that day, she also knew that couldn’t run away into isolation again. Hiding away from the inevitable truth that would surface was cowardly and Yoona believed she was anything but that.

“Kyuhyun and I married in a month after Jiyoung was born but even then with the difficulties of having to raise a child while moving constantly—we were determined to come back and not to let this town scare us into running out on our lives.” Yoona felt the gentle squeeze of her friend’s hand over hers as she spoke, spreading warmth through her heart. Sooyoung smiled at her as she continued; her words clear and concise—cutting through the silence in the room.

“Kyuhyun said he couldn’t do that to Changmin. He said that he had to look after you even if you didn’t want him too and I felt the same. It took us awhile before we were able to come back here—even with Changmin’s help, it took more than what he could give just for us to buy this house back. We were able to get everything my parents left for me here – the house and the cantina – but it took even longer for us to help Changmin to gain back what we owed him.”

Sooyoung finished in a flourish, gesturing at the walls of their home surrounding them. Yoona nodded slowly in understanding as her admissions sunk into her thoughts and she weighed them. It was almost too much to process in such a short time, but somehow it all also made sense. The growing realization of her husband’s innocence also slowly made it hard to breathe.

“I—I don’t know what to say,” Yoona choked, her breath coming up in short, rasping gasps. Her hands trembled as tears prickled her eyes and Sooyoung gently reached out to squeeze her arm once again. “All this time I’ve thought ill of my _only_ true friend and – so this means that _he_ —that _Changmin_ had spoken the truth before he left. He’d left to get Kyuhyun home and—”

A wave of remorse overwhelmed her as she struggled to continue.

“Shh.” It was Kyuhyun, surprisingly, who came to console her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she began to openly cry. “Neither of us expected things to go this far. The three of us thought things would be fixed before the New Year but… I’m sorry, Yoona. Truly, I am.”

She sniffed into her sleeve in an unlady-like fashion, cracking a smile when the couple chuckled kindly in unison. Warmth filled her heart as her long-lost friends gathered on either side of her to comfort her; their smiles open and true. It’d been awhile since she felt safe outside of the family. To be around her friends— _real friends_ —was something she’d truly missed.

_If I had listened back then when Changmin had tried to explain that night—then maybe I wouldn’t felt so alone._

Yoona’s lip quivered at the thought, suddenly guilty. She bowed her head, hiding her face as tears surfaced behind her eyelids. “You have nothing to feel sorry for, Kyuhyun,” she said, squeezing the hand Kyuhyun held, “All I want is the truth and you’ve given me at least half of it. I’m more than grateful for your telling me at any time.”

If he noticed her trembles, Kyuhyun did not give her away. Instead he simply nodded and gently squeezed her hand back. “You’ll need to hear the rest from Changmin.” He told her seriously, forcing her to look at him directly.

Yoona nodded curtly, her heart aching as the sudden image of her husband and Victoria laughing earlier that day sprung into her mind. “Yes, I should, shouldn’t I? He owes me that much.” she started, taking a deep breath. She thanked the Lord that her voice held none of the uneasiness she felt inside.

“Have you spoken to him at all?” Sooyoung pushed on, unfortunately not as convinced as she had hoped her friend would be.

“Yes. About the farm and such.”

Sooyoung cracked a smile at this, brighter and much less forced before shaking her head. She didn’t mean about business of course, but it seemed like Yoona didn’t want to allude to it by herself. “We don’t mean that, Yoong. We meant about China. Has he come to you to explain yet?”

“Well… no.” Yoona sighed a bit later and in blatant defeat, too tired to pretend she wasn’t affected any longer. With her happily-married friends stared down at with twin all-knowing smirks, her secret contempt for her husband’s fair friend was most likely going to reveal itself sooner rather than later. She huffed in frustration, a dark blush coloring her cheeks. “But it isn’t like we’ve had the time to speak alone either.”

“And why not?”

“Because,” she started, pursing her lip. How could she possibly explain the anxiety she felt every time her husband was near? How could she put into the words the combined joy and pain that consumed her heart with every light touch and warm glance he sent her way? Yoona wrung her hands out in front of her and sighed, biting the inside of her cheek. “He’s too _busy_ —showing that woman— _Victoria_ —around the estate. I don’t want to intrude.”

Sooyoung let out a guffaw at her obviously jealous tone and rolled her eyes as Yoona threw her an angry look. “You’re _his_ wife. It’s your business to intrude.”

“Am I still? Or is that only on paper?” she retorted, feeling the pain awash her once again as her back hit the cushions behind her. Yoona shook her head, regretting the bitter words that stumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them.

It wasn’t her place to feel this way. It’d been _years_.

“It’s alright to be jealous.” Sooyoung offered, reaching over to clasp her friend’s trembling hands once again as her own husband to the free seat next to her.

They shared a look of distress over Yoona’s hunched figure, knowing all too well that they had burdened their friends with this situation by involving in their own issues half a decade ago. Kyuhyun would take everything back if he could. He would have never left for the war if he had had the courage to ask Sooyoung to be his wife sooner. If he had not been captured and if Changmin had not gone after him to China to help. If he could take back all of these—then perhaps their lives would be different.

Kyuhyun watched his son waddle towards them with a big, toothy smile. His little arm holding a worn teddy bear out towards Yoona as he clambered over to where they sat, wrapping his free hand onto where Sooyoung’s hand covered her friend’s and squeezed. A wave of affection rushed through him at that small act and he knew that as much as he would want to change the past, he also did not regret it.

His son, Jiyoung, had been born throughout all of this healthy and happy, and Kyuhyun had only Changmin’s efforts to thank. And if he could (and he would), Kyuhyun was only so very willing to repay his debts tenfold.

And so he began with soothing words, brushing a hand back and forth over his best friend’s wife’s back: “You love Changmin. You love your husband – you _always_ have. None of us are blind not to see it, Yoona. You wouldn’t have reacted so extremely to his supposed betrayal with my wife or to his relations with Miss Song if you didn’t feel any ounce of love for him. It’s alright to be jealous. You love him too much to pretend otherwise.”

Her breath choked with emotion as she shook her head violently. “But, he—he’ll only leave again.”

“Why do you believe so adamantly that your marriage isn’t going to work?” Kyuhyun argued, moving quickly to shake her now with both hands. Yoona’s eyes were filled with tears as she stared back at him and he faltered slightly at the sight. She looked so broken, so sad. Nothing like the strong woman he knew Changmin has loved all these years.

“I believe it so because he left without as much a note by our bedside!” She yelled, pulling away from him and standing up—startling the child resting against her best friend’s arms. Her hands immediately flew to calm the boy as tears threatened to spill from her eyes, refusing to show any more weakness than what she already had. Her words come even softer as she continued, drained of energy to argue, “He’ll only leave again. He’s just waiting for the right time to give me the divorce papers himself.”

“Changmin loves you, Yoona,” Sooyoung said, ignoring the slight protest in Yoona’s stance as they both stood up and Yoona stepped away from her and her son, “I don’t know why you won’t let yourself believe it, but he does. And you love him. Love is _simple_ , Yoona.”

“It is not! How could he possibly love me after—” Yoona replied, stopping short as a wave of pain took over. Sooyoung reeled back at her outburst and rightfully so. She paced around with her arms wrapped around herself; her mind flitting towards happier, water-colored times where a bundle used to lay in her arms and she’d hum happily to it.

She’d been so happy then, and so had Changmin. They were happy _and then they were not_. And it was her fault. _It was._

She had to let him go. _She must._

“He doesn’t love me. How could he? I’m a horrible person! I don’t deserve it!”

It was Kyuhyun, this time, who stood up to try to appease her. “You don’t mean that, Yoona!” he said, attempting to pull her back with his hands on her arms. She remained unmoving from her place, staring out into the window as dark clouds cast gloom over the night sky.

  
“Yes, I do.” Yoona replied, drained of all energy. “And no matter how much I want to deny it, I know I don’t deserve anything after what I’ve done.”

Kyuhyun’s hands stiffened as her words settled in the room. His heart reached out for her as he took a step back and looked helplessly at his wife’s eyes. The three of them stood motionless as he tried once again, “Yoona… It was an accident.”

“Changmin deserves someone who can give him children.” Yoona said with such a finality that it threatened to tear another wound in her soul. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, imagining what soft, slanting doe eyes would look like now if only her daughter had lived.

Her words are riddled with regret and guilt and when she finally says them, with her hand on the door and her back turned, the pain ebbs harsher even more:

“He deserves someone who won’t kill his child.”

 

* * *

 

“I wasn’t sure if I were ever to see you again, Miss Yoona.”

Minho said this in a quieter way than she’d come to expect of him; tenderly as though he was afraid of scaring her off. Yoona had to smile at this, at least, and be thankful of his kindness. It wasn’t customary for a man to respond to a woman who had already inadvertently rejected him. Especially not one who was still married and still so very in love with her wayward husband.

Her fingers tightened around the stem of her wine glass, her gaze glassy as she considered him and took a long sip. Minho moved to do the same, watching with kind eyes as she drank her fill. The wine warming them both in a way that neither how they wanted. He wanted the warmth of her skin and her love; while she wanted the heat brought by security and a pair of arms that were long and muscled and not Minho’s.

He sighed bitterly at the thought and drank again, watching her still as her eyes looked on past him. Distracted.

“I’m sorry. For how I left things.” She offered after a long while, glancing down at her empty glass just as Minho waved for the bar tender to pour her more wine. She watched as the liquid swirled and filled her glass, entranced by the rich red-violet color. She had gone through four glasses when he arrived at the bar and now counted two more since he’d sat with her quietly. “I’m sure you know how I feel. At least, as much as I’ve allowed you to know. But I am obviously not over with…”

Minho smiled at this, it was harsh on his sad face but he smiled nonetheless. He understood and that was all she really needed from him. “Yes. Yes, I know.”

“I must look a fright to you.” Yoona mused humorlessly. “I am so tired, Minho. I don’t know what to do.”

“You move on, I suppose.” Minho replied, moving to lean closer to touch one of her hands. She doesn’t move away when he does and it takes everything in him not to continue and gather her in his arms. “I think it’s best if you do. If you try— _really try_ —to move forward.”

“How can I?” She asked, “When I love him so much?”

Minho’s heart broke even further at her words but he’d long since accepted it since he’d found out her husband had returned. But what little comfort he could bring was all he had and he was adamant on giving her what he could with his time with her. If he couldn’t have his happiness, he wanted nothing more than for her to have hers.

His voice is gravelly when he finally replied: “You know how, Yoona. I’m sure.”

Yoona wondered how it looked like from another’s perspective—to see her drinking her sorrows away with another man that was not her husband. With his one hand over hers and the other dancing across her cheek, so close they could be mistaken for kissing. _It would feed the gossip mongers’ appetites for sure_ , she thought with a slight wince, _the family will be so dishonored._ Her thoughts swirled.

_What would Mother think? What would Father?_

She closed her eyes and felt the familiar pinpricks under her eyes. _What would Changmin?_

And so she moved to tilt her head away from Minho, much to his dismay and drank again—up to the very last drop before turning back to drop a pitiful, apologetic kiss on his cheek.

“I’d like to go home” is all she says to him afterwards and Minho does nothing more than nod.

 


	10. Did you ever love me?

**_November 1943, Korea_ **

Yoona stared at the dials of her wrist watch, her eyes steadily following the seconds tick by. It was fifteen minutes after seven in the evening and she was alone. Dinner was already set on the table, slowly turning cold as she waited at one end.

Changmin should have been home an hour ago. And it wasn’t like him to be late for anything… and especially not for every night in the past week.

 _“Where are you, Changmin?”_ Yoona wondered aloud, biting her lip as she stood up for the nth time in the past half hour. Chewing on the soft skin of her lower lip, she moved towards the window overlooking the driveway—noting with a heavy heart the absence of Changmin’s convertible.

Her husband had been acting oddly for weeks now but had not started becoming late for dinner until the week before, only citing problems at the family factory as his reason for delay. It wouldn’t have bothered her normally, knowing how seriously Changmin took to handling the affairs of the business but once gossip mongers caught wind of his constant tardiness, Yoona began to hear the whispers around town.

The rumors were fierce, all aimed to inflict as much pain as possible. It had hit her out of nowhere when she first heard of it and in her own home, no less. She had been out for a short walk around the gardens with Minah when she caught wind of the whispered discussions between two maids picking flowers for arrangements in the house. The younger of the two spoke in a scandalized tone, waving her hands about. _“Did you hear about the young master meeting a woman secretly in the outskirts of town? I heard he hadn’t been to the factory as much as he said he was. Do you think something is amiss?”_ She said worriedly, gripping a bundle of wildflowers too tight in her fist as she gestured towards her companion. The latter nodded solemnly, her face older but equally restless, and whispering back, _“Of course I’ve heard! The young madam doesn’t even know!”_

 _“Do you think he’s grown tired of her? I would hope not since they’d only been married a year.”_ The younger maid’s brow wrinkled at the thought. _“I’d always thought the young madam was too sweet for him, to be honest. She’d always seemed so meek at home and even more so since her father died. And now with the baby, she doesn’t seem to notice much of anything but the little one.”_

_“They were quite young when they married. And the Master Changmin has always been an attractive man. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to assume that he carries the affection of many impressionable debutantes, especially those from wealthier cities.”_

_“But do you think he would go as far as commit adultery? I know that the times have changed but—”_

The older woman scoffed, her brow wrinkled as she appraised her young companion. _“If kings of the olden days were able to keep concubines on the side, I wouldn’t be surprised if the young Master managed an affair or two today! The young Miss Im is too naïve, if you ask me. She’d hardly notice anything askew even if it were to happen under her own nose!”_

 _“Do you know something that I don’t?”_ The young woman hissed, huddling closer. Yoona found herself doing the same, inching quietly against the tree blocking her from view. She watched as the older maid looked fervently around her before turning back, her sunken eyes wide and unflinching as she nodded.

_“I heard of it from the women at the market place weeks ago but I hadn’t believed any of it until I saw it with my own eyes!”_

Yoona’s eyes widened at that, her eyes filling instantly with tears as she quietly listened on.

_“You saw the Master with his other woman?!”_

_“Yes! And that isn’t even the worst part!”_

The younger woman bristled. _“What could possibly make this news any worse?”_

There was a pregnant pause before the old maid spoke again, her words drenching Yoona’s veins in ice as it hit her consciousness.

She knew that she was a naïve woman. Before Changmin, she had never felt anything more for the members of the opposite sex who had sought her hand. She hadn’t thought it was possible to care for anyone more than she had for her father, but Changmin had breached her defenses and with it left her bare to feel the agonizing pain of betrayal. Yoona longed to breathe easy as she remember walking away from the women undetected, shaking with every step she took.

Until now, as Yoona’s eyes looked on over the empty driveway, the gossip of those two maids still rung in her ears.

_“The other woman is Choi Sooyoung. Miss Yoona’s closest friend!”_

_Her husband and her best friend?_ It was a cliché if there was ever one, and so it hurt all the same.

There was an old adage that said that if you hear one thing over and over again, in time you are bound to believe it to be true. Looking out the window she wondered if she could believe any of the rumors spiraling in the estate. She never heard of anything else—no change in the story or inflection. It was astounding, really, how people could keep doting on her so faithfully but talk behind her back—never giving forth information when she so desperately needed it.

Perhaps she’s been so silent for so long through all of it that no one can notice how much she wanted to scream.

A solitary tear made its way down her cheek as the clock chimed another hour passing. Yoona would have to make her way upstairs to feed Minah, give her sweet child a bath and then put her to bed. And it seemed that Changmin would not come home tonight.

With a heavy heart, she stepped back from the window and waved for the dinner table to be cleared.

 

* * *

 

Changmin held her up as close as she allowed him to and lead her down the hallway, carefully so as not to wake anyone (his parents, Victoria or the help) from their slumber. He eased the door open with his foot and pulled her slowly against him, wondering how the hell that man Minho managed to get his wife so drunk when he’d never once seen her drink more than a glass of champagne. _A lot has certainly changed_ , he mused bitterly to himself as the two of them entered the room. Choi Minho had offered to help but Changmin had refused. To bring a foreign man into their bedroom was unspeakable! No matter how much his wife disliked him right now would never change the fact that this place – _their space_ – was sacred and theirs alone.

“Tell me the truth, Changmin. You owe me that much at least.”

Yoona drunkenly pulled on his ear and he let out a surprised yelp, glaring down at her as she frowned back at him. “I asked you a question… idiot. Damned idiot.” She slurred louder this time, pulling away from him to stand shakily on her own and pouted. She pulled her arms across her chest and crossed them there, staring at him intensely that Changmin felt like running. He stayed rooted in his spot though, staring at her as softly as he could muster at the moment without provoking her.

Yoona was drunk and was probably a bit delirious too. But even at this state, he knew that she could still strike a blow if she willed it strong enough. And considering the fact that Yoona had come home intoxicated and angrier than she’d ever allowed herself to show him… _well_ , it did not look all too promising for him to say anything out of turn. Come morning Changmin knew that she would have no idea of everything she’d say or do tonight, and that all he had to do was tough it out awhile longer until she finally fell asleep. He decided it was best to keep quiet and to get to her to bed. There was nothing more he could do anyway, but to watch over her and listen to her grumble incoherently.

Changmin pushed the door behind him closed and locked it, careful not to make any sudden movements or sounds as he made his way towards her with a tired sigh. At least now, they had a foot or two of wood and stone sheltering them from the outside world and the gossip of the help if Yoona ever decided to scream bloody murder at him. No one else needed to hear her fury no one was allowed to feel its’ thorns but him.

“Shim Changmin – _goddamn it_ – answer the fucking question.” Suddenly, one of her hands found its’ way to grip at his collar and she pulled him forcefully to look at her close enough to see the conflicting emotions in her eyes and to smell the whiskey in her breath. She screamed at him. “You could have at least let me know where you were, _you bastard_ , instead of keeping away for five damned years in another woman’s house.”

With her one fist balled around his collar, Yoona pounded the other over his chest unsteadily as tears streamed down her face. She bit her lip and swore under her breath; the alcohol disappearing fast from her system, only to be replaced by hurt, rage and disappointment all rolled into one. She beat and yelled at him some more, “Tell me! Did you like it better there than here that you didn’t even bother to write to me or your mother?! Is your life here so horrible you decided to stay away for years at a time before finally coming home?!”

She pushed him hard once before pelting him again with her fists. He remained unmoved all the while, letting her hit him for as much as she wanted. This was a fight they needed to have. And no matter how hard it was going to be, he would bear it because they needed to move on. They needed to start over.

 _Let it out, Yoona_ , Changmin thought as she cried, _Let it all out._

Yoona pulled angrily away from him, her tone loud and biting as her eyes flickered with enough rage to glue him to his spot. Changmin had always found her beautiful—even now as she cornered him with her drunken tirade. It made his blood burn in desire but he did nothing to appease her. As much as he wanted to wrap her into his embrace, to calm her into understanding, to let her feel that he wasn’t going to run off and leave her again, Changmin knew that she needed this more.

And so he stood eerily still as she paced, yelling and wringing her hands about, “What made you stay with her, Changmin? She told me – Sooyoung told me you had earned enough for a ticket home years ago but instead you stayed. And for what?!—you wanted to help _Victoria’s_ family? Honestly, Changmin – was that really the only reason you stayed?! Or was it because of _her_? Did you sleep with her? Did you fall in love with her? _Tell me_!”

“You’re the only one I want, Yoona.” His tone was calm and sure, truthful.

Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as his words, her heart aching in her chest. She pushed hard against his chest again, meaning to hurt him at least a fraction of how much she hurt.

“How am I supposed to know that? You send Sooyoung letters but not to me. I am **your** wife, you inconsiderate piece of—You should be writing to me!”

 

* * *

 

 

**_December 1943, Korea (somewhere in town)_ **

_I hadn’t meant to._

It was all that rung in her head since after her tears had dried up. Her body felt bone-tired and weary, her skin pasty and cold as her eyes looked on mindlessly to the one sliver of light between the sealed windows and the room’s dark curtains. Days and weeks passed but she found no strength to move from her bed. Yoona wound her covers around her tight, shutting the world out. She had no right to face the light of day.

I hadn’t mean to—

_—Let the water keep running._

(Minah liked to splash around while she bathed, her little arms waving about as she dipped her in and out of the small tub…)

_—Keep her underwater._

(Everything in her was tired but the water soothed her and so she kept her hands under. Minah splashed…)

_—Not notice._

(Her thoughts whirled with the sound of the water coursing through the pipes and faucets. _Where is he? Why hasn’t he come home? Are you with Sooyoung? What have you been doing with my best friend, Changmin?_ The splashes were bigger now, waves upon waves…)

_—Get lost in myself._

(… and then the splashes stopped.)

 _“Yoona,”_ her name, before, when spoken by him sent heat down her spine but now it only left her feeling cold inside. She buried her face down into herself, her eyes welling up as she felt him come closer. His hand, large and heavy was warm upon her head.

 _“You have to eat, Yoona.”_ Changmin said, kneeling down on the floor beside her. His hand continued to rub soothingly down her back, hoping to coax her out of her fetal position and relieve at least the pain in his heart at seeing her like this. Shuttered and lost, afraid of the world— _of him_.

He couldn’t lose her. Not after—

 _“I hadn’t meant to…”_ she whispered tearfully from under the blankets. Changmin’s heart lurched within him as she shifted then stilled under his hand. His fingers bunched around the cloth, pulling it back to reveal the stricken picture his wife made underneath. A cry stuck in his throat as her large watery eyes looked up at his.

Changmin didn’t know what else to do.

 _“I hadn’t meant to…”_ She repeated, her voice still painfully raw and hurt. _Shattered._ Like he was too.

_“I know, Yoona.”_

 

* * *

 

“People in this town have looked at me as if I’ve dishonored the family because I failed to keep a living heir and you were nowhere to be found – and for five years, I bore it.” Yoona said, crying still, “I kept my head held high even though deep inside I believed every word they said. I believed that I wasn’t enough. I believed that I wasn’t fit to be part of your wonderful family and that you’d never come back after what had happened.”

“You let your doubt eat you alive.” He said it so matter-of-factly that she moved to hurl a shoe at him, only to almost lose her balance as she bent over. Changmin was quick to steady her, holding her against him as she teetered on her feet before letting her push him away again with a huff. “You told me to leave, Yoona. But I was always going to come back.”

“Yes, but at the time I didn’t know that. I waited for five years and when I thought I should move in, here you are!” She screamed at him, finally gaining enough balance to reach for her heel and toss it towards his head. He ducked just before it hit him but she decided she didn’t care. Instead she continued yelling, crying even harder now as the words overflowed.

“You came back and it threw me into a tailspin again. You came back unscathed and perfect and it frustrated me to no end, knowing that you chose to come home just as I was starting to feel like I should move on. And then eventually I found out the truth about the sacrifices you made for me and Kyuhyun and Sooyoung and”—Yoona paused to spit the name out jealously and shuttered—“ _Victoria_ when you lived with her and her family. And just like that I thought I knew were made to turn inside out. You made me like I should you let you back in again.”

Yoona heaved her breaths loudly, trying to control her sobs. “I wanted that so much, don’t you see? My heart hurts at the sight of you but I realized that I can’t bear to live without you for much longer. Do you understand? I—”

Changmin’s heart panged as he watched her rant. He thought he had seen her at her most vulnerable years ago but it seemed it wasn’t the case. He hadn’t stopped to think that his absence could trigger such a response but apparently it had or else he wouldn’t be watching his beautiful wife fall apart. It was then he realized that this fight—or whatever it was—they were having was nothing but. It was a purging of guilt. Of despair locked for so many years.

He braved a step closer, her name leaving his lips as he reached for her quaking hands.

“Yoona. Look at me.”

She refused to do so, training her eyes at anything but him. “I let her drown, Changmin.” She told him quietly and he sucked in a breath. “I killed our daughter and let our marriage fall apart. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t blame myself for it.”

“ _Yoona_.” He said her name again, pulling to bring her closer but she resisted, babbling now as she continued,

“I took my anger out on you then because you were too understanding, too calm. I could feel the pain you felt, but I couldn’t see it in your face at all. It was like a shade had been drawn and I couldn’t push through it. I could never read you, Changmin – it made me feel like I hardly knew you at all. It made me feel like our marriage was worth nothing without our daughter. My doubt ate at me like you said. And then when I saw you with Sooyoung, holding her the way you did while she cried, I just—I snapped and—”

Changmin held onto her as her breathing started to come in halts. Her whole body shook as she hyperventilated and he tried to soothe her, running his hands down her back like did years ago. Calming her in the way that was his alone; her head pressed up against his chest while her tears wetted his shirt and his breath tickled her ear.

It was his turn to speak. She had to know.

“I didn’t want you to see my pain, Yoona. You were already hurting too much from what happened that I felt like I couldn’t add to it anymore than you could. It broke my heart as well to see her buried… but it nearly killed me seeing you practically lifeless right after. You could hardly be urged to move from our bed after the burial. You hardly spoke or saw anyone during that time. I didn’t know what to do with you – but then I received word from Kyuhyun and I thought that _perhaps_ if you saw Sooyoung happy. Perhaps if my ass of a friend and your best friend finally got married then it would help you to think of other things besides Minah. Maybe it might even get you out of bed and talk to me.”

Changmin’s lips ghosted against the shell of her ear, more of a caress than a kiss. The action helping to ease her sobs to quieted sniffles as she listened to the timber of his voice. “So I set out to get him back, but it was difficult to pinpoint where he was exactly. Kyuhyun had been taken in by mistake by a Chinese military camp but I couldn’t be sure to identify which one it was without alerting the embassy of my movements. The night you found me, I had come to give her the news of his whereabouts. She cried and I held her because that was something I would have done for you. If you’d let me.”

“But then I saw both of you and I…”

“You told me to leave… and I did. But it wasn’t because I agreed with what you said that I didn’t love you. Because I did – _I do_. I’d just wanted to give you the space you needed. That and I figured if I’d brought Kyuhyun home, you’d realize that Sooyoung loved no one else but him and that I only ever wanted you. I was always going to come back.”

Yoona pushed off of him, brushing her hands across her cheeks. She closed her eyes and covered her face, trembling. “Then why were you gone _for so long_? Kyuhyun had been back a little before that year ended and you—”

“The only reason I stayed in China for so long was because Qian’s father reminded me of yours.” He told her, reaching out to hold her against him again. She didn’t resist and for that he was grateful. “It’s a stupid reason, isn’t it? I missed him a lot more than I thought and I suppose I wanted to feel his presence a little longer. He’d always known what to say when I was struggling to elaborate my feelings for you. He knew and understood things before I could even say them, and he… trusted me to make you happy. After Minah died and you shut into yourself, I felt like I failed to do just that. Because if I had made you happy… what we are should have been enough.”

Cupping her cheeks, Changmin touched his forehead against hers, speaking in a much softer tone. “I never stopped thinking about you. Whatever horrible thing it is you think happened between the time before and the time we’ve been apart, don’t believe it. The rumors were never true. I could never be unfaithful to you.” He angled her face closer, his eyes imploring her to understand and believe what he was saying. Because at this moment, all of his defenses were down as they should.

“I married you because I love you, Yoona. I’m sorry I never let you know. I’m sorry I let you doubt it.”

Yoona lifted a hand and smacked him hard on the cheek. It stung but the pain barely registered as a beatific smile widened across her face. Reaching up to hold his face close, she lifted her chin up to capture his bottom lip in between hers. “Kiss me.”

Her taste latched onto his tongue as he let their mouths mold, a faint tint of alcohol lacing with the heat.

But that didn’t matter now.

 

* * *

 

**_December 1943, Korea_ **

It was just her luck, really, to lose everything she held dear in a single moment.

_“I trusted you! Both of you! How could you do this to me?!”_

Yoona had not planned to go out at night. But the sorrow was harder to deal with at night and alone in her— _their_ —room was not something she wanted to face. She needed air. She needed peace.

_“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare touch me!”_

It was by accident that she would find them there. At the clearing. In front of her daughter’s grave. Holding each other as though they’ve never been without each other’s heat. Her vision darkened as she watched him— _her husband_ —press a soft kiss on another woman’s forehead, the action as intimate as it was loving. The woman in his arms looked up— _Sooyoung!_ —and her heart stopped.

In that instant all of her fear came rushing through—

 _Miss Im is much to naïve for Master Changmin –_ he’s bound to leave her sooner or later, she can’t even bear children _– all she is is pretty, I’m willing to bet she has nothing between her eyes –_ It’s unfortunate that Master Im had to leave his business into his daughter’s hands, what could she knew about the business? _– Changmin deserves someone better. She’s not even that beautiful –_ He can’t possibly love her! _– Did you hear that their daughter died because of her own doing? She’s cursed, I tell you. Her father and their daughter within the same year –_ He doesn’t love her—

_“Leave. Both of you. I can’t bear—just leave! I don’t want you here. I can’t—”_

She came to to a bright stillness. His mother’s concerned face hovering over her as she relayed what had happened. “Changmin’s gone.” She had said it so softly, Yoona hadn’t believed it at first.

She waited every day by the window, until Yoona finally believed he wouldn’t.

 

* * *

 

He returned her kiss with an equal fury, devouring her lips and trailing hot skin over the exposed flesh of her belly. Coaxing her to open, Changmin tangled his tongue over hers and fitted his fingers through her hair, pushing her back and falling over her on the mattress – limbs entwining as naturally as they had the first time they were like this together. Five years might have gone by, but he knew for a fact that this act was never better with anyone but her. He bit back a groan as one of her hands pressed up against his chest before trailing lower, clumsily picking at buttons apart. He pulled away for control, breathing heavy under her heady gaze.

“Yoona… you might regret this and me in the morning if we go further than a kiss.”

“Be quiet.” She ordered, shaking her head steadily at him and pulling on his collar to bring his lips onto hers once again. He relented under her touch, unable to refuse her, and let her lead him into another heady cloud of desire. Threading his fingers through her hair, he responded to her with fiery and unyielding kisses. Their minds raced as her hands traveled down from his shoulders then onto his chest, while his climbed and groped up her sides. The heat had been palpable between them during the fight and it only intensified now as they moved together, picking layers off one by one.

Rolling over, Yoona pushed him to lie on his back before straddling him. Her demure skirt bunched up over her thighs as she worked on the buttons of his shirt – dragging the material away to splay her hands on his bare chest. That image was without a doubt the most erotic he’d ever seen her (dreamed of her) and Changmin fought to stay still as she touched him. _You’re the only one, Yoona. The only one._ He opened his mouth to speak, but held back as her gazes flicked with both desire and uncertainty. It felt like words wouldn’t be able to amount good enough to explain everything he thought and felt up to this point.

_What’s the use of words if everything I’ve done have finally brought me here to you?_

The alcohol’s effect had gone away faster than Yoona (or he) had expected but even without the courage it gave her initially, the need to feel him – to join and to connect with him – had already become too great to pull away. His eyes clouded over as he stared up at her slack-jawed; his gaze dark and ethereal _– intimate_.

Yoona held her breath for whatever it was he seemed to want to say.

 _Changmin, tell me something, anything, please… I have to know. Please tell me._ Forgive me _– make it better…_

She hoped he would speak but knew that he wouldn’t do so in words. Instead Changmin let his hands to the talking. Letting them grip her hips tighter onto him, his thumbs rubbing circles against the flowy fabric of her skirt. The indirect contact to her skin and his touch excited her in more ways than one so she gave into herself and leaned in, pressing a kiss on the underside of his neck and smirking lazily at the soft moan he let out. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she lay there pressed against him for a moment and breathing in slowly as if she were in a dream.

 _And this_ must _be a dream… at least, that’s how it feels like to me because I would have never done this._

“I missed you so much,” she said, more to herself than to him. A confession. If it were possible to press any closer to another human being, Yoona would have done so right at that moment. “I know I should hate you, or you should hate me – I should’ve just given up the day you left but…”

She shook her head absentmindedly and pulled away, sitting as far away as she could manage in one fluid movement, hiccupping on her words. His hand gripped her wrist just as she thought of standing up and stilled her in her position. Yoona stared down at his large hand gripping her slim wrist and bit her lip, straining her eyes not look into his as he slowly sat up to move closer to her. She didn’t flinch when his eyes stared deeply into hers as his hands warmed and folded over her cold fingers, pressing them against his lips.

“I love you, Yoona, I always have.” He breathed, her name spoken like a prayer.

Her heart leapt in her chest and then she knew that this was inevitable. There was no going back.

Their clothes were shed a layer at a time, revealing pieces of themselves under the pale moonlight. She was tainted pink as he maneuvered her under him, goose bumps erupting upon her flesh with every kiss he pressed against her. They pressed and pushed against each other, utterly naked in the physical and emotional sense. Yoona opened up to him, cradling him as their heat combined. Their gazes fluttered only slightly as they moved to connect themselves as one.

Yoona inhaled sharply as Changmin groaned, the sensations building and burning them into a heightened plane, pulling them quickly to hurry the pace and sate their desire. A thin sheath of sweat covered their skin as they moved together in perfect harmony, sliding back and forth in a half-frenzied state. Neither one of them wanted to this to be quick – but it had been too long a time since they’d felt like this and neither of them wanted to let go. This was culmination of their **love** – no matter how late or hasty or complicated it was declared.

It was theirs.

Her gasps came in staccato rhythm. Her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she let out a loud moan as she crested—pulling him closer to his own with each stroke, stroke, _stroke_. “Changmin…” she breathed, dragging her lips onto his cheek as her mind swirled with all that was unsaid between them.

_That was enough._

With a cry, he surrendered to his release, falling into her softness. They held each other tight as their bodies cooled.

No words needed to be said.

 


End file.
